Posted by Helana on December 17, 2009, at 20:23:08
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 18:55:34
I totally get this! that is exactly what i've been going through. I felt like I lost a part of her because of the way we used to be and when she started distancing herself I felt like everything was fake and I was being used. I dont know why I can't explain it. she told me that she felt it was what i needed at the time but that it isn't the right thing now because we've changed and I used to feel like I lost her. But in fact nothing really has changed. She still cares and wants whats best for me it just doesn't look the way it used to. You know the other thing I've realized. It's the same with your T...just because they can't show how much they love us the way we want doesn't mean they don't want to. If you think about it, you T prolly got a supervisor because she had to keep herself in check to make sure she wasn't overly attached and getting in your way of growth because of her affection for you...and it's a fact that it's affection because of the possitive transference you've already explained...it's kinda like when i asked my T if in another time and place we could be something more and hugged me at the end of session and wispered yes...she can't be that now, but if she could she would. and when i wish i could have more from her I just remind myself that I have all I need. That knowing can be just as gratifying as actions. It took me along time to come to that tho.
> its been so hard being all 3 of us u know, i tell her that she seems distant, she tells me its because of all the pain ive gone through recently like losing my friend since he passed away. i think shes right because if i looked at it the way she does i would realize that nothing has changed and that calling her my friend was in a way "semantics" because what i have with her isnt lost because we cant be friends, i dont know im hanging in there.
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> last session was fun, we laughed alot because i brought in a list of things they recommended i do like breathing exercises, to doing new things, to writting in a journal,
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> im like hey guys hang on look what ive got, ( bam i pop out the list) the supervisor goes like great lets hear em , and im like okay here hehehe let me lay em on ya and i start rambling on how im on a diet eating vegetables and then i go on to say how i bought a 20 piece kfc bucket with my cousing and we all just laughed, i realized then realized how hilarious that was . its cool this is how it used to be before i called my t a friend, and its cool how when i think about it she really hasnt changed and neither have i , what she gave me i havent lost its almost like when i open my eyes shes right beside me lol sorry that was strange huh?not strange at all...this made me cry because I love when I feel like that. It's like I set myself up for self destruction, according to T, but I can see it now, that I get in this way of thinking where I miss so much the way it was and feel so aweful and want to just call her, make an appointment, walk in, hug her and start crying because I just miss her...and then I see like you see in some strange moment that nothing is really different...I mean it is different, it's changed, it doesn't look the same, but I still love her and she still cares about me so really...nothing has changed, right? idk sometimes. I guess maybe what I fear is the truth of why it's changed and if it's going to change more. Like she's already withdrawn some, and i sorta feel like I can't trust her, so what if I can't rust that she'll always be here for me...what if one day that changes too. grrrr...nvmind. That's really not constructive to even dwell on.
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> man lol i said i wouldnt write a lot i hope this is meaningful to you Helena. What it all means to me is that i finally found that missing piece ive always wanted. I never really told anyone but my t that ive always wanted to be understood and loved but all ive gotten throught my life is rejection, i bursted into tears and she leans over and says "i would never reject you" it almost feels like when you have that missing piece you are at peace like u have something that no one else in the world has exectp you, after all this happend i actually dropped from school and decided to skip the last months ( im going back though :)__) it felt like my heart was broken, by the one who knows my soul, yet she seems so strong i know that deep down she is gentle and fragile and i treasure all that she is, both her strenghts and her fears, even though she hurt me i still love her . im thinking of writting her a letter for the holidays to show her how much she means to me i think you should do that too that would be cool! And Helena, i know this is totally tough but try to find strenght in all of this, remember all the good times and know that your t still really cares and you mean alot to ur t too :)
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That was so wonderful to hear dewd! Did you drop our of school after you felt like your heart was broken? That's exactly what I did, funny huh (maybe not a perfect choice of a word). I am going back too lol...to be a therapist (something I've always wanted to do). And you know what, I was thinking of writing a letter to my T for the holiday, but now I'm definitely going to! Thank you for reminding me of how much I mean to my T because you're absolutely right and to be honest i've never really wanted to believe it until now. I don't know why, but seeing how similar our stories are...I just know that it isn't coincidence and my T doesn't really care...I think it's obvious that your T cares about you and it makes me realize that my T obviously truly cares about me :)
> if its okay to ask it would be really nice to know how it happened, hang in thereI would love to tell you how it happened, but what exactly is "it" that u are asking about?
poster:Helana
thread:929583
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/929765.html