Posted by Dewd on December 18, 2009, at 16:41:04
In reply to Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 16, 2009, at 15:40:20
>>"It's so weird because as I started reading I was starting to tear up and that's weird for me cuz i don't usual do that." <<
Im so happy that what i wrote was meaningful to you! i was afraid i wasnt really expressing myself good :) i just tried to let it come from the heart, im so happy that you dont feel so alone in this, i felt empty because i thought who can understand having all you ever wanted and feeling it was taken from you so fast? its nice to know that ur not alone
>>This paragragh is so me. That and I also just could not believe that she would ACTUALLY care!! You know what I mean? I just felt like I know she cares but that's her job. and even now I'm still afraid to be completely needy because I feel like i'm soooo needy and that because it's her job it won't come natural to her to want to care for me and I am afraid of the rejection.<<
Helana i know exactly how you feel! i hope these wonderful words will really comfort you ( these words were better than a free ride to disney land for me! :) My t once said that she is really passionate about her work, she once said that it takes a special type of person to be a therapist, shes had people (who arent therapists) tell her hey, u know i just dont really care that much , and she told me that it takes a special kind of person a person whos caring to be a therapist. when im sad its almost like my pain is her pain, her eyes become like windows to her soul, and her smile becomes a loving and compassionate embrace ... her tone sounds like music when im sad u know... its funny im the one thats supposed to be talking about myself but with all my rambling in 50 mins in therapy, her one smile full of love tells more about who she is in her heart than all these details of my life u know what i mean? lol its like in that moment in time i dont need any reassurance that she is true and honest. Ive asked her hey t ur really nice but are u like another person when ur not here? shes like you know alot of my personallity, i try to be consistent with my patients and people outside too, im not some completely different person ( she giggles) her supervisor says it like this, what you see is what you get, theres a sweetness about her, i just realized how wonderful it is that she knows me better than my best friends and its like when someone knows your heart every word that they say becomes a treasure, i just did self therapy hahaha its nice when you think of ur t like that, its a nice perspective huh :) I would tell my t , im afraid of making you sad, she told me that she likes being a t otherwise she would find another proffesion, that what we talk about doesnt bother her, that she enjoys her job, her supervisor said, u know "Dewd" therapists are the worst at taking care of themselves becasue they are always taking care of others, they sometimes forget about their own health. Its true becasue this one time she was really sick and decided to come to work and help her patients so i was tehre going hey t feling better? i knew she wasnt feeling good though... She tells me that she is passionate about her job and that its an honor for her to hear deep and hard things about her patients life.
Helana i hope i didnt write too much, its so amazing how our stories are so similar im sure that your therapist is true, she sounds very loving and passionate, she knew that you needed to feel loved and she gave it to you freely with an open heart, its cool how she gave you her cell phone number! theres no doubt that she sees you as special and cares so very much, and as a therapist caring for you comes naturally because it takes a special kind of person to really care it seems so tough at times to let them into your heart, but what i didnt know was that i was already in my t's heart before i let her into mines... im trying to open up again to my t after i closed up because of all the pain, so that she would know that i value all that shes given me so freely, Helana i felt like crying becasue of how distant she feels, i know exactly how you feel... im sure your t is waiting for you open up with an open heart like mines :)
>>She sounds like a wonderful T and what's even more wonderful is that she's willing to see a supervisor to do whatever it takes to help you grow and be happier.<<
Aww thanks so much Helana, i didnt see it that way!
>>but I'm starting to realize through things that you are saying that everything is still the same and she is my friend just not in the traditional sense and ur right she really does care for me, otherwise why would she still be so caring when I can push her so far away when I am very hurt and get extremely distant?<<When i was with my t, i suddenly burst out crying when i mentioned that she still felt distant like there was a wall between me and her... these words made my day and warmed my heart though, she said she never felt there was a wall between us, that she wants us to be close, that its good to be close in therapy that that is a very good therapeutic relationship
>>THank you for helping me see that! <<
Yay~!
>>If you think about it, you T prolly got a supervisor because she had to keep herself in check to make sure she wasn't overly attached and getting in your way of growth because of her affection for you...and it's a fact that it's affection because of the possitive transference you've already explained..<<I cant thank you enough for that... wow... i felt so heartbroken, about this... sometimes when i would come to therapy i would come and look down at the floor without any expression... she would tell me whats wrong you seem sad... i would say something like it doesnt matter... i felt like she took my heart and left it in the rain... she seemed to be so loving before you know, she would use these gentle tones when i was sad, i knew she really cared about me and now i thought she didnt i kept asking her and she told me she cares about me the same as always, its true i was filtering what she was saying and reinterpreting it in a very wrong way... it makes me so happy what you said thanks! i guess she really does care about me
>>it's kinda like when i asked my T if in another time and place we could be something more and hugged me at the end of session and wispered yes...she can't be that now, but if she could she would. and when i wish i could have more from her I just remind myself that I have all I need. That knowing can be just as gratifying as actions. It took me along time to come to that tho.<<
Those words are so amazing when you hear those words from your t, my t said that if we were in school together we could be friends, that she says i have a good heart and ooddles of good friendship qualities (probably cuz im always smiling lol) our t's are so awesome
poster:Dewd
thread:929583
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/929844.html