![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dewd on December 16, 2009, at 15:40:20
Hey everyone i posted long ago but i suppose im still new here. Ive been seeing a wonderful t for a while now were about the same age so i theres a cool connection. Weve gotten very close and she cares about me so much, it feels so nice since when i was little i would be the kid that got picked on and at home my dad was abusing alcohol and my mom it felt she wasnt there for me only to take her anger out on me at times... I guess i grew to feel inferiour and unlovable i guess. From my perspective shes the most wonderful person in my life, she nurtures me a lot and ive learned to fully trust her and not to pretend to be anyone but myself.
Heres my problem though everyone, my friend has just died that was also her client. i know how she felt because i was the first one to tell her about him, ive gotten depressed and feel like shes so distant emotionally because we also discussed about the boundary of being friends... that although she cannot be my friend, she sees our relationship as special, she kindly tells me that she is there for me and cares. that its my perspective that is not correct ( that although she says she cares just the same as she always has, i interpret what she says through my perspective)and i trust her though and am hangin in theredo you guys ever feel this longing for love, like you wish you could gaze at ur t's smile all day and helps u feel fulfilled?
Posted by rnny on December 16, 2009, at 16:16:33
In reply to Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 16, 2009, at 15:40:20
I had a T for years that made me feel the way you describe your T. I was very hurt when she was retiring to find out (had never known) that she had other clients she had been seeing for "years". I went through a very real grieving process losing that love when she retired. I "do" understand that feeling. It is a feeling of being loved and cared about and it is wonderful to have in therapy because you can really open up. The best thing to do is to talk about every feeling and thought you are having. I had to do that with my T. At one point I got the impression that the "love" we had shared was not real and I burst out crying asking her about it. Say every thought that comes to mind with your T. Because not everyone feels that connection you have. Clear the air on everything, don't hold back anything.
Posted by Dewd on December 16, 2009, at 22:59:16
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by rnny on December 16, 2009, at 16:16:33
Wow thanks sooo much about what you said "rnny"! I thought no one would post a reply :) I really thought about what you posted and you know, I was feeling alittle low because I thought my t didnt care as much as she used to before i felt a distancing from her, thank you for reminding me of how special it is to have a connection with your t. Im so happy shes my t Shes the one person whos helped make up for the pains i had to face you know, i love her so much, and im sure ur t has a special place in her heart for you too :)
You know sometimes when were with our t's we sometimes feel like we are the only two people in the world and that nothing else matters, im so sorry you felt hurt when you found out she had other clients she had seen for a while now... i did too at one point u know but i think about it like this... my t is so wonderful, i want other people to feel loved and nurtured so that even more people will appreciate my t and she will have an even greater sence of confidence and fulfillment! lol its a total 180 on the perspective but it helps( my t told me that my perspective really matters in any situation)thank you so much rnny u really helped i hope i did too
Posted by Helana on December 17, 2009, at 10:01:48
In reply to Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 16, 2009, at 15:40:20
Hi dewd! Welcome [back]. I have the same connection with my T and it's very wonderful. And recently my T has become distant for different reasons than yours. It is so hard and i'm still stuggling because i want it to be the way it used to be. I tell her all the time i am content just being in the same room with her not talking. I think i was so neglected that even something that simple makes me feel so complete and she doesn't even have to do anything. But I still have a longing for the way it used to be...even tho as long as i'm there is all that really matters. She said that it is better for both of us because i was getting too attached. I don't feel like her distancing is making me any less attached in fact i feel like it's making me long more for the way it was. At least thats how it was for a while. Now i'm getting used to the fact that i'll never have that again with her but it's making me kind of close up again. I open up more in therapy. But my hearts not really in it. I'm just doing it to make her happy cuz that's what she wants me to do and because part of me wants to get stronger and more dependent. Does any of this make sense? I went on a ramble. I must have needed to get this out.I just meant to say dewd that i understand the longing of your T and how much they fulfil that emptiness we have from lack of love and affection growing up and how the simplest thing like staring at their smile can make us feel so complete. I understand that :)
> Hey everyone i posted long ago but i suppose im still new here. Ive been seeing a wonderful t for a while now were about the same age so i theres a cool connection. Weve gotten very close and she cares about me so much, it feels so nice since when i was little i would be the kid that got picked on and at home my dad was abusing alcohol and my mom it felt she wasnt there for me only to take her anger out on me at times... I guess i grew to feel inferiour and unlovable i guess. From my perspective shes the most wonderful person in my life, she nurtures me a lot and ive learned to fully trust her and not to pretend to be anyone but myself.
>
>
> Heres my problem though everyone, my friend has just died that was also her client. i know how she felt because i was the first one to tell her about him, ive gotten depressed and feel like shes so distant emotionally because we also discussed about the boundary of being friends... that although she cannot be my friend, she sees our relationship as special, she kindly tells me that she is there for me and cares. that its my perspective that is not correct ( that although she says she cares just the same as she always has, i interpret what she says through my perspective)and i trust her though and am hangin in there
>
> do you guys ever feel this longing for love, like you wish you could gaze at ur t's smile all day and helps u feel fulfilled?
Posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 10:24:10
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Helana on December 17, 2009, at 10:01:48
Aww thanks Helena, im so happy that you would tell me your story it meant a lot to me :) Ill try to reply the best that i can since ive only had half my breakfast right about now lol You know its like my jaw just dropped when i read your comment, that is kinda how i feel too... my t has me with her supervisor so its like all 3 of us in the supervisors office talking about my "transference" the supervisor says that it was slowing my therapy down you know. It hurts so much because when my t first brought it up she sounded kinda nervous and was like i hope thats okay, i looked down at the floor and managed a smile and said sure... i know exactly how you feel Helena, u know, doing things because you love ur t and want to keep hoping it will get better. Since my friend just passed away that was also her client i decided the way i can be there in support of my t is by trusting her more and not losing all the progress she and i have seen in my life, so as you might have guessed im there all 3 of us, but it hurts though cuz i feel so sad my friend passed away and she says that she needs to make boundaries about hugging, and that all phone calls are directed now to the supervisor until i can manage to work past the transference.
Its frustrating because i called my t my best friend because that was how it felt, u know? with a best friend you can tell them anything and know that they love u for who you are, theres no longer a distancing but it becomes very meaningful, so in my lack of better words i said that she was my best friend, although it was just a way of describing what i already had with her, and not that i felt we needed to be something more than patient-therapist.
Im hanging in strong because im happy to be with my t and become closer by telling her all of this now IM sorry for all MY rambling hehehe :)
Posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 10:29:08
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 10:24:10
I clicked send on accident i meant to add that the transference the supervisor talks about is that i wished she was my friend, i mean who wouldnt wish that right? but i called my t my friend because it was a word i picked to describe our strong therapeoutic relationship u know? i know theres kind of a difference but the fact that you both care about each other, that ur t understands and likes u for u is what i meant to get across sorry its pretty long eat ur breakfast before reading :)
Posted by Helana on December 17, 2009, at 13:26:17
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 10:24:10
Dewd I was just as happy you would share your story, that's why I felt compelled to respond.
I couldn't imagine having to have a supervisor in my therapy session. That's gotta be difficult. I would do it though, it goes back to that making my T happy thing. You know the issues I was talking about that distanced my T...they are the ones about hugging and being friends and that transference too! I feel so much better like I'm not the only one. But I still really feel for you. On one hand I wish my T and I could have a supervisor, but on the other I like that we can keep it between ourselves. What makes me really confused though is I could tell I really liked her from the beginning and she liked me too. All's we did was get to know eachother for like the first three months or so and she was so important to me. I completely understand the best friends thing. At like three months I wrote a thank you letter saying thank you for being my best friend and I'll love you always...something like that, but i wrote it in her native language and she seemed to be genuinely touched. Anyway, she initiated hugs and we hug for awhile more of like a holding. Then she gave me her cell number and told me not to tell anyone and to call her whenever I needed to. THe confusion, sadness, and hurt comes from her all of a sudden stopping all of that and telling me we've changed and she thinks it's better for all of us. It's like they call it our transference like it's our problem when it's so obvious that at some point they enjoyed it as much as we did. Then they realize it's not helping or whatever and now we need to just get over it and not need it anymore. At least that's how I feel. So now that i've rambled again I can't wait to hear your rambling ;)
> Aww thanks Helena, im so happy that you would tell me your story it meant a lot to me :) Ill try to reply the best that i can since ive only had half my breakfast right about now lol You know its like my jaw just dropped when i read your comment, that is kinda how i feel too... my t has me with her supervisor so its like all 3 of us in the supervisors office talking about my "transference" the supervisor says that it was slowing my therapy down you know. It hurts so much because when my t first brought it up she sounded kinda nervous and was like i hope thats okay, i looked down at the floor and managed a smile and said sure... i know exactly how you feel Helena, u know, doing things because you love ur t and want to keep hoping it will get better. Since my friend just passed away that was also her client i decided the way i can be there in support of my t is by trusting her more and not losing all the progress she and i have seen in my life, so as you might have guessed im there all 3 of us, but it hurts though cuz i feel so sad my friend passed away and she says that she needs to make boundaries about hugging, and that all phone calls are directed now to the supervisor until i can manage to work past the transference.
>
> Its frustrating because i called my t my best friend because that was how it felt, u know? with a best friend you can tell them anything and know that they love u for who you are, theres no longer a distancing but it becomes very meaningful, so in my lack of better words i said that she was my best friend, although it was just a way of describing what i already had with her, and not that i felt we needed to be something more than patient-therapist.
>
> Im hanging in strong because im happy to be with my t and become closer by telling her all of this now IM sorry for all MY rambling hehehe :)
Posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 18:55:14
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Helana on December 17, 2009, at 13:26:17
I couldnt help but just be touched by what you said, im so honored that you would share all this :) i feel like crying because thats exactly how i feel but my cousing and sister are in the living room hehehe ill cry as a text :`( I have so much to talk about i hope its okay for me to write alittle bit only right now im feeling alittle overwhelmed, im so touched that what i wrote was what you went through and that it helped to know ur not alone :)
i dont know, you know, like for me when i first began coming to therapy i resisted it soooo much, i tried to pretend i was getting better i was afraid to have needs i wanted to be self sufficient so that i could impress her, then later on in the therapy like about a year into my therapy it began to be more of a warm place you know like you can be yourself and stuff, i gave her this gift that i worked a long time and she was so touched it made her day, i still remember her wonderful smile too,
later we began to hug after sessions and i would say im sorry im so needy, she would gently whisper its okay dont be sorry, those moments in my therapy were so special i revealed this other side of me, the little child in me asking to be held and wanting to be loved,the neeedy child who always wept in the rain and no one would notice, she noticed and that ment so much that she was loving to heal my wounds...
...when i said i know we cant be friends outside of therapy but i know were still friends in here right? it was tough for her to say that we werent friends in the traditional sence, although she thought of our relationship as special, she thought about me as special, she would tell me she really enjoys working with me and her supervisor told me she speaks very highly of me, it was so wonderful to hear all those things you know, for me growing up with little praise from others, and approval she means the world to me.but when she told me she wasnt my friend i felt abandoned like the deepest need in my heart was cut off, man im tearing up again lol
Posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 18:55:34
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 18:55:14
its been so hard being all 3 of us u know, i tell her that she seems distant, she tells me its because of all the pain ive gone through recently like losing my friend since he passed away. i think shes right because if i looked at it the way she does i would realize that nothing has changed and that calling her my friend was in a way "semantics" because what i have with her isnt lost because we cant be friends, i dont know im hanging in there.
last session was fun, we laughed alot because i brought in a list of things they recommended i do like breathing exercises, to doing new things, to writting in a journal,
im like hey guys hang on look what ive got, ( bam i pop out the list) the supervisor goes like great lets hear em , and im like okay here hehehe let me lay em on ya and i start rambling on how im on a diet eating vegetables and then i go on to say how i bought a 20 piece kfc bucket with my cousing and we all just laughed, i realized then realized how hilarious that was . its cool this is how it used to be before i called my t a friend, and its cool how when i think about it she really hasnt changed and neither have i , what she gave me i havent lost its almost like when i open my eyes shes right beside me lol sorry that was strange huh?
man lol i said i wouldnt write a lot i hope this is meaningful to you Helena. What it all means to me is that i finally found that missing piece ive always wanted. I never really told anyone but my t that ive always wanted to be understood and loved but all ive gotten throught my life is rejection, i bursted into tears and she leans over and says "i would never reject you" it almost feels like when you have that missing piece you are at peace like u have something that no one else in the world has exectp you, after all this happend i actually dropped from school and decided to skip the last months ( im going back though :)__) it felt like my heart was broken, by the one who knows my soul, yet she seems so strong i know that deep down she is gentle and fragile and i treasure all that she is, both her strenghts and her fears, even though she hurt me i still love her . im thinking of writting her a letter for the holidays to show her how much she means to me i think you should do that too that would be cool! And Helena, i know this is totally tough but try to find strenght in all of this, remember all the good times and know that your t still really cares and you mean alot to ur t too :)
if its okay to ask it would be really nice to know how it happened, hang in there
Posted by Helana on December 17, 2009, at 19:59:51
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 18:55:14
It's so weird because as I started reading I was starting to tear up and that's weird for me cuz i don't usual do that. Even when someone writes me something really sweet I usually just think oh that's nice. But for some reason it means so much that you understand. And of course it's okay for you to say as little or as much as you want...you can do whatever you want :) keep going down...I write above your paragraphs if I have to so I don't miss anything lol
> I couldnt help but just be touched by what you said, im so honored that you would share all this :) i feel like crying because thats exactly how i feel but my cousing and sister are in the living room hehehe ill cry as a text :`( I have so much to talk about i hope its okay for me to write alittle bit only right now im feeling alittle overwhelmed, im so touched that what i wrote was what you went through and that it helped to know ur not alone :)
This paragragh is so me. That and I also just could not believe that she would ACTUALLY care!! You know what I mean? I just felt like I know she cares but that's her job. and even now I'm still afraid to be completely needy because I feel like i'm soooo needy and that because it's her job it won't come natural to her to want to care for me and I am afraid of the rejection. My T says she will be her for me for as long as I need her...one time I said nine years and she was like that's totally fine. I told her recently when she asked me if I wanted to stay in therapy for ever I said you make it sound like there's only one answer and she said so answer. I told her yes, I want to stay in therapy forever. (why wouldn't I?) and she said wow...you are very honest. (ok) I'm afraid to be needy so I hold back yet I still feel super needy.
> i dont know, you know, like for me when i first began coming to therapy i resisted it soooo much, i tried to pretend i was getting better i was afraid to have needs i wanted to be self sufficient so that i could impress her, then later on in the therapy like about a year into my therapy it began to be more of a warm place you know like you can be yourself and stuff, i gave her this gift that i worked a long time and she was so touched it made her day, i still remember her wonderful smile too,
>
This part creeped me out and gave me butterfly's at the same time cuz i really sometimes question my t's behavior and wondered if it was ethical and to hear you say what your t does makes me feel so much better...like I don't have to fear my t's behavior. Especially the part about yours wispering in ur ear..my t does that ALL THE TIME! lol...I actually wondered for a moment if we had the same T lol. I am so glad you have a wonderful T and that you can let that child part of you heal. She sounds like a wonderful T and what's even more wonderful is that she's willing to see a supervisor to do whatever it takes to help you grow and be happier.
> later we began to hug after sessions and i would say im sorry im so needy, she would gently whisper its okay dont be sorry, those moments in my therapy were so special i revealed this other side of me, the little child in me asking to be held and wanting to be loved,the neeedy child who always wept in the rain and no one would notice, she noticed and that ment so much that she was loving to heal my wounds...
>
I know it hurts when they say they aren't our friends. My T always said we were friends and I would argue (playfully imo) with her because I said the first time we argued so wanna go out for coffee then, and another time I invited her to a celine dion concert. It bothered me that she would say we were friends yet we couldn't act like what friends were, but I'm starting to realize through things that you are saying that everything is still the same and she is my friend just not in the traditional sense and ur right she really does care for me, otherwise why would she still be so caring when I can push her so far away when I am very hurt and get extremely distant? THank you for helping me see that!> ...when i said i know we cant be friends outside of therapy but i know were still friends in here right? it was tough for her to say that we werent friends in the traditional sence, although she thought of our relationship as special, she thought about me as special, she would tell me she really enjoys working with me and her supervisor told me she speaks very highly of me, it was so wonderful to hear all those things you know, for me growing up with little praise from others, and approval she means the world to me.but when she told me she wasnt my friend i felt abandoned like the deepest need in my heart was cut off, man im tearing up again lol
>
>
Posted by Helana on December 17, 2009, at 20:23:08
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 18:55:34
I totally get this! that is exactly what i've been going through. I felt like I lost a part of her because of the way we used to be and when she started distancing herself I felt like everything was fake and I was being used. I dont know why I can't explain it. she told me that she felt it was what i needed at the time but that it isn't the right thing now because we've changed and I used to feel like I lost her. But in fact nothing really has changed. She still cares and wants whats best for me it just doesn't look the way it used to. You know the other thing I've realized. It's the same with your T...just because they can't show how much they love us the way we want doesn't mean they don't want to. If you think about it, you T prolly got a supervisor because she had to keep herself in check to make sure she wasn't overly attached and getting in your way of growth because of her affection for you...and it's a fact that it's affection because of the possitive transference you've already explained...it's kinda like when i asked my T if in another time and place we could be something more and hugged me at the end of session and wispered yes...she can't be that now, but if she could she would. and when i wish i could have more from her I just remind myself that I have all I need. That knowing can be just as gratifying as actions. It took me along time to come to that tho.
> its been so hard being all 3 of us u know, i tell her that she seems distant, she tells me its because of all the pain ive gone through recently like losing my friend since he passed away. i think shes right because if i looked at it the way she does i would realize that nothing has changed and that calling her my friend was in a way "semantics" because what i have with her isnt lost because we cant be friends, i dont know im hanging in there.
>
> last session was fun, we laughed alot because i brought in a list of things they recommended i do like breathing exercises, to doing new things, to writting in a journal,
>
> im like hey guys hang on look what ive got, ( bam i pop out the list) the supervisor goes like great lets hear em , and im like okay here hehehe let me lay em on ya and i start rambling on how im on a diet eating vegetables and then i go on to say how i bought a 20 piece kfc bucket with my cousing and we all just laughed, i realized then realized how hilarious that was . its cool this is how it used to be before i called my t a friend, and its cool how when i think about it she really hasnt changed and neither have i , what she gave me i havent lost its almost like when i open my eyes shes right beside me lol sorry that was strange huh?not strange at all...this made me cry because I love when I feel like that. It's like I set myself up for self destruction, according to T, but I can see it now, that I get in this way of thinking where I miss so much the way it was and feel so aweful and want to just call her, make an appointment, walk in, hug her and start crying because I just miss her...and then I see like you see in some strange moment that nothing is really different...I mean it is different, it's changed, it doesn't look the same, but I still love her and she still cares about me so really...nothing has changed, right? idk sometimes. I guess maybe what I fear is the truth of why it's changed and if it's going to change more. Like she's already withdrawn some, and i sorta feel like I can't trust her, so what if I can't rust that she'll always be here for me...what if one day that changes too. grrrr...nvmind. That's really not constructive to even dwell on.
>
> man lol i said i wouldnt write a lot i hope this is meaningful to you Helena. What it all means to me is that i finally found that missing piece ive always wanted. I never really told anyone but my t that ive always wanted to be understood and loved but all ive gotten throught my life is rejection, i bursted into tears and she leans over and says "i would never reject you" it almost feels like when you have that missing piece you are at peace like u have something that no one else in the world has exectp you, after all this happend i actually dropped from school and decided to skip the last months ( im going back though :)__) it felt like my heart was broken, by the one who knows my soul, yet she seems so strong i know that deep down she is gentle and fragile and i treasure all that she is, both her strenghts and her fears, even though she hurt me i still love her . im thinking of writting her a letter for the holidays to show her how much she means to me i think you should do that too that would be cool! And Helena, i know this is totally tough but try to find strenght in all of this, remember all the good times and know that your t still really cares and you mean alot to ur t too :)
>
That was so wonderful to hear dewd! Did you drop our of school after you felt like your heart was broken? That's exactly what I did, funny huh (maybe not a perfect choice of a word). I am going back too lol...to be a therapist (something I've always wanted to do). And you know what, I was thinking of writing a letter to my T for the holiday, but now I'm definitely going to! Thank you for reminding me of how much I mean to my T because you're absolutely right and to be honest i've never really wanted to believe it until now. I don't know why, but seeing how similar our stories are...I just know that it isn't coincidence and my T doesn't really care...I think it's obvious that your T cares about you and it makes me realize that my T obviously truly cares about me :)
> if its okay to ask it would be really nice to know how it happened, hang in thereI would love to tell you how it happened, but what exactly is "it" that u are asking about?
Posted by Dewd on December 18, 2009, at 16:41:04
In reply to Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 16, 2009, at 15:40:20
>>"It's so weird because as I started reading I was starting to tear up and that's weird for me cuz i don't usual do that." <<
Im so happy that what i wrote was meaningful to you! i was afraid i wasnt really expressing myself good :) i just tried to let it come from the heart, im so happy that you dont feel so alone in this, i felt empty because i thought who can understand having all you ever wanted and feeling it was taken from you so fast? its nice to know that ur not alone
>>This paragragh is so me. That and I also just could not believe that she would ACTUALLY care!! You know what I mean? I just felt like I know she cares but that's her job. and even now I'm still afraid to be completely needy because I feel like i'm soooo needy and that because it's her job it won't come natural to her to want to care for me and I am afraid of the rejection.<<
Helana i know exactly how you feel! i hope these wonderful words will really comfort you ( these words were better than a free ride to disney land for me! :) My t once said that she is really passionate about her work, she once said that it takes a special type of person to be a therapist, shes had people (who arent therapists) tell her hey, u know i just dont really care that much , and she told me that it takes a special kind of person a person whos caring to be a therapist. when im sad its almost like my pain is her pain, her eyes become like windows to her soul, and her smile becomes a loving and compassionate embrace ... her tone sounds like music when im sad u know... its funny im the one thats supposed to be talking about myself but with all my rambling in 50 mins in therapy, her one smile full of love tells more about who she is in her heart than all these details of my life u know what i mean? lol its like in that moment in time i dont need any reassurance that she is true and honest. Ive asked her hey t ur really nice but are u like another person when ur not here? shes like you know alot of my personallity, i try to be consistent with my patients and people outside too, im not some completely different person ( she giggles) her supervisor says it like this, what you see is what you get, theres a sweetness about her, i just realized how wonderful it is that she knows me better than my best friends and its like when someone knows your heart every word that they say becomes a treasure, i just did self therapy hahaha its nice when you think of ur t like that, its a nice perspective huh :) I would tell my t , im afraid of making you sad, she told me that she likes being a t otherwise she would find another proffesion, that what we talk about doesnt bother her, that she enjoys her job, her supervisor said, u know "Dewd" therapists are the worst at taking care of themselves becasue they are always taking care of others, they sometimes forget about their own health. Its true becasue this one time she was really sick and decided to come to work and help her patients so i was tehre going hey t feling better? i knew she wasnt feeling good though... She tells me that she is passionate about her job and that its an honor for her to hear deep and hard things about her patients life.
Helana i hope i didnt write too much, its so amazing how our stories are so similar im sure that your therapist is true, she sounds very loving and passionate, she knew that you needed to feel loved and she gave it to you freely with an open heart, its cool how she gave you her cell phone number! theres no doubt that she sees you as special and cares so very much, and as a therapist caring for you comes naturally because it takes a special kind of person to really care it seems so tough at times to let them into your heart, but what i didnt know was that i was already in my t's heart before i let her into mines... im trying to open up again to my t after i closed up because of all the pain, so that she would know that i value all that shes given me so freely, Helana i felt like crying becasue of how distant she feels, i know exactly how you feel... im sure your t is waiting for you open up with an open heart like mines :)
>>She sounds like a wonderful T and what's even more wonderful is that she's willing to see a supervisor to do whatever it takes to help you grow and be happier.<<
Aww thanks so much Helana, i didnt see it that way!
>>but I'm starting to realize through things that you are saying that everything is still the same and she is my friend just not in the traditional sense and ur right she really does care for me, otherwise why would she still be so caring when I can push her so far away when I am very hurt and get extremely distant?<<When i was with my t, i suddenly burst out crying when i mentioned that she still felt distant like there was a wall between me and her... these words made my day and warmed my heart though, she said she never felt there was a wall between us, that she wants us to be close, that its good to be close in therapy that that is a very good therapeutic relationship
>>THank you for helping me see that! <<
Yay~!
>>If you think about it, you T prolly got a supervisor because she had to keep herself in check to make sure she wasn't overly attached and getting in your way of growth because of her affection for you...and it's a fact that it's affection because of the possitive transference you've already explained..<<I cant thank you enough for that... wow... i felt so heartbroken, about this... sometimes when i would come to therapy i would come and look down at the floor without any expression... she would tell me whats wrong you seem sad... i would say something like it doesnt matter... i felt like she took my heart and left it in the rain... she seemed to be so loving before you know, she would use these gentle tones when i was sad, i knew she really cared about me and now i thought she didnt i kept asking her and she told me she cares about me the same as always, its true i was filtering what she was saying and reinterpreting it in a very wrong way... it makes me so happy what you said thanks! i guess she really does care about me
>>it's kinda like when i asked my T if in another time and place we could be something more and hugged me at the end of session and wispered yes...she can't be that now, but if she could she would. and when i wish i could have more from her I just remind myself that I have all I need. That knowing can be just as gratifying as actions. It took me along time to come to that tho.<<
Those words are so amazing when you hear those words from your t, my t said that if we were in school together we could be friends, that she says i have a good heart and ooddles of good friendship qualities (probably cuz im always smiling lol) our t's are so awesome
Posted by Dewd on December 18, 2009, at 16:43:15
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 18, 2009, at 16:41:04
>>not strange at all...this made me cry because I love when I feel like that. It's like I set myself up for self destruction, according to T, but I can see it now, that I get in this way of thinking where I miss so much the way it was and feel so aweful and want to just call her, make an appointment, walk in, hug her and start crying because I just miss her...and then I see like you see in some strange moment that nothing is really different...I mean it is different, it's changed, it doesn't look the same, but I still love her and she still cares about me so really...nothing has changed, right? idk sometimes. I guess maybe what I fear is the truth of why it's changed and if it's going to change more. Like she's already withdrawn some, and i sorta feel like I can't trust her, so what if I can't rust that she'll always be here for me...what if one day that changes too. grrrr...nvmind.<<
i really wanna ask my t about this next time i see her, but i always remember what my t said, she never ment it as a rejection... she said she would never reject me, i know its sooo heartbraking and so scary to believe this... but you know... i try to see it kind of like this, my t said that we become closer to others when we open up and take that scary leap, and when we share personal things... lets try to take that leap, to trust our t's to show our t's that we can trust them becasue our relationship is just that great
>>>That was so wonderful to hear dewd! Did you drop our of school after you felt like your heart was broken? That's exactly what I did, funny huh (maybe not a perfect choice of a word). I am going back too lol...to be a therapist (something I've always wanted to do). And you know what, I was thinking of writing a letter to my T for the holiday, but now I'm definitely going to! Thank you for reminding me of how much I mean to my T because you're absolutely right and to be honest i've never really wanted to believe it until now. I don't know why, but seeing how similar our stories are...I just know that it isn't coincidence and my T doesn't really care...I think it's obvious that your T cares about you and it makes me realize that my T obviously truly cares about me :)<<<my whole world was just shattered, at times i didnt have enough emotional strenght to even stand on my own two feet in the morning... i couldnt focus, it felt like school work was secondary when it came to my wellbeing... how can i care about anything else when my heart isnt whole...
Helana im sooo happy your taking that leap and are going to write a letter u know sometimes is so much more nicer to write a letter that way you can express how you really feel without anyworries
hehehehe thats so strange i want to be a therapist too!
my t inspired me to be a t, isnt that cool
>>>.I think it's obvious that your T cares about you<<<these words really touched my heart
>>>it makes me realize that my T obviously truly cares about me :)<<<
:)
>>>would love to tell you how it happened, but what exactly is "it" that u are asking about? <<<
I thought it was really great that you are your t have such a strong relationship, i really want to help more ( cuz my t said that seeing things in a different perspective really helps)it would be so really cool to know why your t began to do things a little differently, my t said she wants to help me feel better and for me to know that she cares about me just the same, shes helping me feel better because she feels that im not talking about other things like my depression .i wanted to cry so much, on the insied im in tears... im so sorry that you had to feel the way i felt, i would never want anyone to go through what im going through,it makes me so happy that you have such a wonderful t who really cares about these feelings, its nice to know though that ur not in it alone... thank you so much for caring :) heres a song that i hear all the time because i feel like every single lyric really relates to how i feel the band is( nick jonas and the administration - who i am ), lol i hope you like the song! im thinking of showing my t the song mayb
Posted by Helana on December 19, 2009, at 9:34:08
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 18, 2009, at 16:43:15
You should totally show your T the song! I've shown my T so many songs and even burned some cd's of songs that have alot of meaning to them. My T loves getting stuff like that it helps her to understand me and I love giving stuff like that.
It's no surprise to me that you want to be a therapist...and you will make an amazing therapist!
So why I perceive things to be different, in a nutshell is cuz I was too attached to her and it was hindering my progress because I was content where we were at and not trying to deal with issues because I felt so wonderful just having her in my life. And what hurts is that she wants me to get to a point where I don't need her in my life...and I hate that. Truth be told, I'd rather be less functional and have her in my life than live more functional without her.
That's the nutshell version. The other version is that I am attracted to woman and she's known that from day one. I wrote that down on the papers I had to fill out. I wrote that it's something that I'd want to discuss anyway because I'm a married woman and it bothers me. I don't feel like I could ever live like a lesbian but I feel like I am one. So there were ALOT of things that she had done that seemed like just obvious flirtation because I would say it too, that I took it that way and she wouldn't stop. But then at some point things started changing and she started distancing herself and I can't even tell you when because I ignored it at the beginning, I didn't want to believe it. But the reason why I always thought she liked me in a special way was because for the first months and months we talked about me and her...I would ask her questions like we were out for coffee...and she answered ANYTHING I asked her. Then at a specific time when she went on vacation for a month she asked for a book from me to read while she was on vacation. I thought hmmm, i bet you don't do this with every client (that's alot of reading lol). But I see now that I think this whole time she was just being herself and that I read into everything the way I wanted to see it. But what was so frustrating is that I never wanted to assume so I was always asking her what she meant about stuff and she would NEVER just answer me...she is f'n famous for answering my questions with another question and so that was even more confusing. I'd ask something blunt like can I kiss you and she's be like well what would that do for you???? and i'd be like wtf do you think it would do for me, helloooooo!!
I'm sorry. I'm still frustrated with it. But it is what it is and I still love her and want to go and we will work through it and it will only make us stronger, not together, but I mean just all the way around.im sorry that was really long and probably confusing...it's just i'm still upset by this because I really feel in my heart that she crossed bounderies and enjoyed every minute at the time and then realized that she really couldn't do it...for whatever reason, whether it's because I did something that bugged her, or she realized it was unethical or whatever it maybe and she covers it up by not even being willing to talk about and say we've changed...that's it. No matter how much or what I ask it's we've changed and it's for the better...even tho it doesn't feel better to me.
Posted by Dewd on December 19, 2009, at 21:02:56
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Helana on December 19, 2009, at 9:34:08
Helana hey!! im so happy you replied, it means so much that you would let me know more about your story ( now i feel special)it helps me so much when i talk about something that is breaking my heart its nice to know people care about you, you know?
>>>I was content where we were at and not trying to deal with issues because I felt so wonderful just having her in my life.<<<
it almost feels like you found something that youve always searched for, and you just want to stay in the moment... i know how you feel so much, but it can still be that way you know, you do have something very wonderful with your t, shes your t, shes a person in your life who knows you so well and cares about you in the most meaningful sence because she likes you for you, the real you... i always think about that and love my t even more because her words are like little gems ( i tend to use alot of similes lol i just noticed that ) my t said that even though we cant be friends because she is my t, that doesnt make it any less meaningful and less special, she says that there is no other relationship like this on earth, we can run to our t's knowing that they will be there for us, we dont have to pretend to be anyone but ourselves, and thats okay, you can be yourself completely she knows all the details in your life that you would only tell her , theres a lot of meaning in that and its super special, i think that sometimes calling my t a friend is a total understatement of who she really is to me, shes much more than a best friend cuz even with my best friend i cant tell him all the things i tell my wonderful t u know?? my supervisor put it this way she was like "Dewd" communication is the highest level of intimacy, and you have that with her...
>>>And what hurts is that she wants me to get to a point where I don't need her in my life...and I hate that. Truth be told, I'd rather be less functional and have her in my life than live more functional without her<<<hehehe i know what you mean, i would love to just sit by her and gaze at her image, like all youve ever wanted is right beside you... but it can still be like that... my supervisor said this to me once she was like "Dewd" your t is giving you all you ever wanted all you were deprived of when you were a child, our t's are still very wonderful and special, they can still be very special, but our t's are doing something even greater than that, they are healing us, with the special trust we have with our t's they heal us becasue of how close we are to them that they know the real us and can heal us from the insied out, trust me ive felt like at one point in my therapy i was feeling so much better i was thinking about stoping therapy, not becasue i wouldnt miss her, or i didnt feel close i felt she was even more that a best friend but i felt strong and knew that whatwe have is meaningful not just to me but for her, that she would have my in her heart forever and her forever in mines...our t's really care about us so much
>>>But the reason why I always thought she liked me in a special way was because for the first months and months we talked about me and her...I would ask her questions like we were out for coffee...and she answered ANYTHING I asked her. Then at a specific time when she went on vacation for a month she asked for a book from me to read while she was on vacation. I thought hmmm, i bet you don't do this with every client (that's alot of reading lol).<<<thats so cool, you guys really bonded that is so special
>>>But I see now that I think this whole time she was just being herself and that I read into everything the way I wanted to see it.<<<
My supervisor told me that every patient to her is meaningful and special, Hey Helala how long have you been seeing your t?
>>>and i'd be like wtf do you think it would do for me, helloooooo!! <<<
:) i know how you feel...
>>>I'm sorry<<<
theres no need to be, im touched that your sharing your story with me, ive always liked to be there for others , ( even when im feeling depressed myself hehehe)
>>>I'm still frustrated with it. <<<
Ditto
>>>But it is what it is and I still love her and want to go and we will work through it and it will only make us stronger, <<<
yup!
>>>not together<<<
( i think you guys would be even stronger together becasue your relationship is just that great that it can withstand this, i know that u guys have something very special)>>>m sorry that was really long and probably confusing...<<<
its okay ive got my advils here :) i re re re re read your reply so that i wouldnt miss anything
>>>im sorry that was really long and probably confusing...it's just i'm still upset by this because I really feel in my heart that she crossed bounderies and enjoyed every minute at the time and then realized that she really couldn't do it...for whatever reason, whether it's because I did something that bugged her, or she realized it was unethical or whatever it maybe and she covers it up by not even being willing to talk about and say we've changed...<<<
hey Helana, why doesnt ur t want to talk about the sudden change? ( i dont think youve bugged her, i think that everything she did for you came from her heart, and was meaningful for her and for you too.
I hope i helped alittle bit... i was typing at like 10000 words per minute i hope it all makes sence though!! let me know how it goes with ur t!
Posted by Helana on December 21, 2009, at 12:20:45
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 19, 2009, at 21:02:56
Hi Dewd. I know exactly what you mean about it being so nice to know people understand and care about what youre going through. I have felt so uplifted this past week since Ive started to post know that there are others who know exactly how I feel in certain rescpects. I have talked about this with my mom, sister, best friends, and they all listen and understand but dont have that level of understanding as one who has gone or is going through it.
I agree that although we cant be friends with our T that doesnt make it any less meaningful and less special but it does get very frustrating , sad, and does feel less meaningful that I dont get to show her my love the way I want to and it feels limiting. But I was thinking that I should focus on the way I CAN show her my love instead of the ways I CANT. communication is the highest level of intimacy, that really hit home for me because I do have something wonderful that I was just refusing to see because it was EXACTLY the way I wanted it! By the way you dont know how much youve changed my life and therapy! THANK YOU!!
I have been seeing my T for only two and a half yearsseems like Ive known her forever though!
Ive got my advils herere re re re re readHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAThat was really cute!
I dont know why my T doesnt want to talk about the sudden changesThat is whats so frustrating! I dont mind the change. I see how Ive grown from itand I have an intense desire to keep growing so I would never want to get stuck in a rut with her, but the fact that we cant talk about it gets to melike she cant deal with it and that scares melike she cant deal with me!
I think that everything she did for you came from her heartthank you for that, that meant a lot to me! 
You helped wonderfully Dewd, dont second guess yourselfyou are an amazing person!!
Helena
PsI have a session tonight ;) lol (after two and a half years I still get butterflies EVERYTIME I see her)
Posted by Dewd on December 22, 2009, at 22:24:12
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Helana on December 21, 2009, at 12:20:45
Hey Helana im so happy to hear your reply! a funny story, i spend half an hour responding but then i back track on my computer and all the info is lost! lol im sorry that i couldnt respond earlier, remember the holiday card i was talking about earlier? yeah i spent the WHOLE day working on it lol im half awake because of that but i really want to reply ( i hope i can write in complete sentences but here goes )
>>>"Hi Dewd. I know exactly what you mean about it being so nice to know people understand and care about what youre going through. I have felt so uplifted this past week since Ive started to post know that there are others who know exactly how I feel in certain rescpects. I have talked about this with my mom, sister, best friends, and they all listen and understand but dont have that level of understanding as one who has gone or is going through it."<<<
Its the most wonderful thing for me to know that im cared about and understood... when i was little , i would never have any friends, and people would often judgem me for what i would say or for how i would dress or look... i grew up feeling inferior and unlovable... i thought hey maybe im just inferior and dont deserve to feel loved and cared for... i just dont have what other kids my age have... at home my family was a mess because my dad was drinking most of the time having seizures and at one point he would sleep out on the street. i remember once for my parents anniversary i spent like an hour making this little love game for my parents , like where they would have to answer each others questions and stuff, but they didnt pay any attention to it, they were like cool, its cute son... my mom would have to endure all of this and i would keep all the pain to myself its the most wonderful things in the world for me that i know my t. she honestly means the world to me... she knows me, she understands me, and doesnt judge me like other people would. she means what she says and is always so loving and sweet. she cares for me like a big sister would care for her little brother... i truly love her with all my heart i just realized i went completely off of what i wanted to respond to :) you know Helana, when i talk to other people about therapy and how tough it is at times, i totally know how you feel about not being understood because its allmost like you wish that they were psychic so that they could see into your heart and care for you, but you know what i realized just now, that our t's konw that inner person insied of us, they do understand , and care about us and like us for who we really are.... i totally know though how it feels to not be able to relate to our loved ones though, i mean for them to relate to us...( yet its nice to know that even though they dont understand they care about us so much to listen and try to understand... sometimes just having someone say that they care is amazing...)
i have butterflies evertime i hear her name.... hehehehe our t's are so awesome... how did your session i would love to know! :D
Posted by Dewd on December 24, 2009, at 11:45:06
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 22, 2009, at 22:24:12
Hey Helana!! iTs Christmas Eve! i hope you have a wonderful holiday full of love and cheer, with all ur family and ur buddies too! you deserve it :)
Posted by Helana on December 25, 2009, at 1:47:55
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 24, 2009, at 11:45:06
Thank you so much for your message dewd! I love Christmas Eve. It's 2 46 am and I'm getting ready for bed...just finished wrapping the last gift lol. I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow...you as well totally deserve it!! :)
((((((dewd))))))
Posted by Dewd on December 29, 2009, at 14:36:27
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Helana on December 25, 2009, at 1:47:55
Helana!! Merry Christmas ho ho ho lol how was your holidays? how is therapy now? :D
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