Posted by TherapyGirl on February 20, 2009, at 6:40:39
My "best friend" and one of the people I consider family told me last night that she just can't get past what happened last month. She says she's forgiven me and she understands about the depression and thyroid stuff (she way doesn't), but she can't get past it. She will continue to be my co-worker and friend, but we will never again be friends like we were.
She also told me that mental illness is no excuse for bad behavior. I told my T that on the phone last night and she actually laughed.
I want to clarify here that nothing I did was abusive, physically or emotionally. The problem is that my brain bottomed out while we were on a weekend trip and I had no way to isolate myself. So it was awkward for everyone because I felt so bruised by interactions with other people. And because she was the only person in the group that I'm close to (and because of some perceived changes in her interactions with me), I threw several barbs her way (in the line of, "You're quite the party animal" when she headed to bed at 9 p.m. when we were on vacation to celebrate my birthday). That's not a lie or a misperception on my part -- that's what happened.
So this is how my life goes. It feels like everyone around me, even those who feel a bond with me, are just waiting for the slightest slipup so they have an excuse to get me out of their lives. Just like my mother.
There is not one part of me that can continue to do this on any level. (Not a suicide threat, just reality.) I am clearly completely unloveable and undeserving of friendships and second chances that seem to just happen for other people without much effort. She really did base this decision on 3 days during which I was having a breakdown vs. all of the other days of our close and loving friendship. She even admitted last night that the behavior was a complete aberration from who she knows me to be. But it doesn't matter.
And so none of this matters to me anymore. I just can't do it.