Posted by lucie lu on February 20, 2009, at 14:38:45
In reply to Worse than ever, posted by TherapyGirl on February 20, 2009, at 6:40:39
TG,
You know, something I have learned about friends is that they can have serious limitations. And yet still have valuable things to offer in the friendship.
We all want our closest friends to understand us, care for us, and stand by us especially in our hour of need. And there are friends like this, bless them. But there are also ones who are great in most respects but who just can't cope with part of the package. I have learned that even such people can be good friends to me if I can accept their limitations (and vice versa). I have a very close friend who for decades has been like a sister to me. We genuinely love each other. I have turned to her in all sorts of personal and family emergencies. However, I have learned that there are some that for her own reasons, she simply cannot cope with. Mental illness is something that some people simply cannot cope with, either through misinformation or bias or perhaps fears about themselves. My friend is one of these. So when I need to talk to someone about MH issues, I will need to turn to others and not her (or Babble, of course). The key in being able to accept this is recognizing that it is her issue, not mine, that renders her unable to help me when I need help in this direction. The other key is knowledge and acceptance of what her particular limits. Inevitably, there is great hurt, disappointment and disillusionment when we discover a good friend's limits because we are usually smacked in the face with it. It hurts like hell. But then at least you know where the limits are, and hopefully you two can repair the rupture and resume a worthwhile friendship.
The problem right now is that you are raw and sore both from your depression and also from the rupture with her. And you have needs that she cannot fulfill, given who she is and the limitations of the friendship. So right now, it is probably best to focus on getting the support you need elsewhere until you are feeling better, when you both may be able to move on together.
So my point is that just as there is no perfect spouse, there is no perfect friend (or at least very few!). It is hard when a close friend's area of limitation happens to coincide with an area where you may have special needs. But the friendship can still be very meaningful and worthwhile in other ways. Hopefully you two will be able to renegotiate when the time feels right.
I hope this helps. ((((((((((TG))))))))))
Take care,
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:881247
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/881332.html