Posted by workinprogress on February 20, 2009, at 10:54:00
In reply to Re: Worse than ever » TherapyGirl, posted by antigua3 on February 20, 2009, at 9:06:18
Ah- Antigua... that's what I kept thinking. I knew someone else would go there. Though, I think the stuff Seldom said- it's probably not all about you- is probably a piece of it too.
But... that old idea about picking people where we replay old patterns, it sounds plausible to me. TG, the way you describe what happened describes stuff that happens between friends often. People sometimes get on each others nerves, people sometimes poke, people sometimes throw barbs instead of discussing it directly. But, the adult response is to say "that hurt my feelings" and maybe discuss some other way to bring up issues. The non-adult response is to snark back and poke back. Many times the response is to ignore and let it fester or fade away. Now, these non-adult responses... not idea. But, your friends' response is nowhere on the charts there. That's because to me--- it's nowhere on the charts!!!
So, she's reacting rather oddly. I'd say the trick here is to be able to say, that's not normal behavior. I've picked a friend I can't rely on, maybe it's time to examine my friendships. Or.. something's up with my friend, I hope she's ok. As opposed to, I'm unlovable. That's what you learned as a defense mechanism as a kid. When you felt abandoned by mom, you turned on yourself, blamed yourself, there must be something wrong with me- TG, because mom's don't abandon kids and furthermore (I know kids don't say any of this particularly furthermore ;) ) if mom abandons me then I'm an orphan and I don't want that, so it must be my fault.
It isn't your fault TG. You were in a space where you could have communicated a little better, but you did nothing that warrants the severing of the friendship. I think the question is... did your friend?
All that said... I am so so sorry. Friendships are so hard in this way. There are so few that stay. And for those of us who struggle with abandonment the fluidity of friendship is so painful and I don't think I ever get used to it. I'm currently coming to the realization that a friendship I once very much valued has faded away, I am trying hard not to think "I'm bad" for having that happen. (It's always my fault too). But TG, you seem quite lovable to me. Because you're you. Because you're caring and thoughtful and full of feeling. And you've been very helpful to people on this board. So, help us out and give yourself a big hug and try to think of something nice to do to yourself. Be a friend to yourself if you can....
(((((((((((((((TG))))))))))))))))))
poster:workinprogress
thread:881247
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/881298.html