Posted by petunia on February 21, 2009, at 17:07:48
In reply to Worse than ever, posted by TherapyGirl on February 20, 2009, at 6:40:39
Hi TherapyGirl!
If this doesn't sit right, please throw it out. I hesiateted saying it because I don't know where you are with your feelings right now, but when I came to a similar point in my life someone else pointed this out to me, and it helped me **tremendously**. Maybe it will do the same for you.
Basically, as I was reading your posts on this thread, about how not only one but two major relationships in your life are ending, all I could think of was, "She's getting better!!! She's getting better!!!" :)
When we get better, when we make real progress in our healing, when those unhealthy things that were so absolute inside us for so long finally move and crack and start to change, sometimes the first place we see it is in relationships that implode, often relationships of long standing or that we perceived as deep and lasting.
Inside, when we get better, we can even feel worse. Me, I feel like it will never end, all the fighting and scrabbling and struggling. So feeling better or feeling worse is not always equivalent to actually BEING better.
But the sure sign that you are changing, that you are finally becoming whole, is that the people who depended on you *staying broken* start to fall away. People get used to you being the way you were, even when they love you, and the change is hard. But when people are around you not so much out of love as of meeting their own needs through you, your healing is very, very threatening.
What you describe, mini power plays followed by desertion and excuses that don't work, really fit this scenario as it has played out in my life.
See, when you're dealing with mental illness, there's always a huge power differential between people in a relationship, because you don't have the same command over yourself, your responses, and your environment that they seem to. Not only are they likely more powerful in terms of being able to control the relationship and move you into positions that make themselves comfortable, we on the other side of the MH coin tend to SEE them as more powerful whether they are or not.
Basically, when we're unhealthy, it is all too likely that there are people around us who depend on that unhealthiness. When we get better, they get very uncomfortable.
So when you say you feel like there are people waiting for an excuse to leave, it may actually be true. But for the very best reason in the world: you're NOT bad, you're NOT unlovable, it's just time for them to go. Your sincerity toward them sees only love, and that's why it comes as such a shock and a rupture. But this may be the very best thing that could happen right now: they go so that the others coming to you, with the health and love you can accept now, have room in your life. :)
They need to go -- at least for a time -- so that you can continue to become the real you, the precious you that God created, the you that you were always meant to be. If they're worthy of your friendship, they'll be back, like the other posters described. But people who do you wrong and never own it... those you will never truly need.
I'm going to tell you something else that may be very uncomfortable, and may not apply at all, but you should know: there are many people who are attracted to the "helping" professions not because they need to help, but because they are very comfortable having a steady supply of people they can look down on and/or dominate. Your friend, to be honest, strikes me as one of these. Some people help the disabled, some people help themselves to the disabled. Just sayin'.
So please don't think of yourself as unworthy or bad or wrong. What I am seeing, from where I sit as a stranger who has walked in your shoes, is that you are absolutely perfect, doing what you need to do, making your way. Let them go, let them do what they need to do for them, and you continue on. You're getting better. :)
If none of this fits, please feel free to toss it. My very best wishes to you --
Petunia
poster:petunia
thread:881247
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/881553.html