Posted by JoniS on August 21, 2007, at 8:24:52
In reply to I'm a therapy weakling, posted by DAisym on August 20, 2007, at 21:58:08
I sure don't believe you're a therapy weakling. I could sooo relate to your post. And, like Muffled, I often dissociate when I am pushed.
It is mysterious to me also about what is "the loss" Maybe for me it is I'm afraid I'll lose the comfort of staying in the routine. Like sitting in the same place at church, it's just where we are used to being. That sounds simple I know. A different scenario. I really struggled the first time I was in therapy and began to start "self-soothing" because I could see that when I did this, I was not in my routine of being constantly down and depressed. I actually began missing the part of me that stayed down - because that was what I was used to for soo many years.
Now in t when I am pushed, I think I'm afraid of losing my T and I'm afraid of a "change" in our relationship. I guess this is pretty much what you or muffled or RealMe already said so I don't know if I'm adding any value here. but my guess is that the fear is that your relationship will change and that you want your T to remain the one who "rescues you". I may be projecting my stuff on you, sorry if I am. Just 2 weeks ago I had a pretty major meltdown and afterward I realized that it was my T and only him that I wanted to lean on, I wanted his strength, and of course I realized that IRL that will not always be possible and it's going to have to be up to me.
I hope that after you've slept on it, you realize that you were being way too hard on yourself -
"...On the other hand, how am I ever going to get better and grow up and stop being controlled by old fears if I can't find my own power? ..... I don't know how to do that. I hear, "I expect you to use good judgement and not be ruled by fear. Be strong - I know you are strong. I expect you to comfort yourself, not reach out to me." Blah. He didn't say that, but it is what I hear..."You are getting better and better all the time. Sometimes baby steps and somtimes bigger ones. But there is no timetable, no requirement to measure yourself and determine where you "should be"
I get mad when my T pushes too, and I definitely want t to be all about "warm sessions and shared tears" in those sessions we're building the bond, and in the push sessions we're having to trust, rely on that bond, and take a big step forward. But when we cower back, it's ok, next time we'll be stronger and we'll do it.
Probably what hurts so much is fear of losing the T relationship as you know it. I don't know, just my guess, but that is such a Powerful realtionship for me, the thought of it changing or of losing it... scares me just to say that, let alone really think about it.
I hope today is a good day for you and that you wont be hard on yourself. Even though we know it, it bears repeating that Therapy is Hard. You are doing great work. Hang in there.
poster:JoniS
thread:777493
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/777537.html