Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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I'm a therapy weakling

Posted by DAisym on August 20, 2007, at 21:58:08

Have I ever told you, "I hate therapy?" I do - a lot lately.

My therapist occasionally pushes me. Or challenges my thinking. Or encourages me sort of aggressively to stand up for myself. And it seems like every time he does this, I fall in this black hole. I get so upset. My thinking kind of goes like this: "OK - so you don't want to deal with the younger parts and the stories. You want me to use my adult self to comfort this scared part and not let her fear take over. That makes sense and is a good goal for therapy. Fine, I can do that. But it makes me sad and there is loss in this, though I can't name the loss."

I find myself mad/upset with him for wanting me to do something I feel I can't. And I'm upset because I agree with him that I should be moving towards this. But I feel so alone when he pushes like that.

Today I told him how upset I have been since last week. We did work really hard during Thursday's session but perhaps it was too hard. On the other hand, how am I ever going to get better and grow up and stop being controlled by old fears if I can't find my own power? He said finding my power doesn't mean giving up our connection. He wants me to use the connection to augment my power. I don't know how to do that. I hear, "I expect you to use good judgement and not be ruled by fear. Be strong - I know you are strong. I expect you to comfort yourself, not reach out to me." Blah. He didn't say that, but it is what I hear.

Today he also said that anytime he pushes on me, even a little, I fall apart. He wants to know what that is about. He asked me if it really is so devastating for him to nudge me. And he asked me to try and tell him that whatever he is doing isn't working right then and there. Then maybe I wouldn't get so upset because I wouldn't be sitting with it so long.

I have no answers for this. I think I want to act like a strong grown-up woman, but maybe I'm resisting for some secondary gain? I need thoughts on this. What do you do when your therapist pushes on you in the direction you know you need to go? Intellectually I know therapy isn't all warm sessions and shared tears. But it hurts so much -- but what is it that hurts? What is this huge loss I feel?




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