Posted by DAisym on August 21, 2007, at 1:15:13
In reply to Re: I'm a therapy weakling, posted by muffled on August 20, 2007, at 22:50:17
>>>>>The loss.
i have wondered that too.
Maybe its finally giving up the dream that one day someone will save you?
That you can't be 'saved', but that in fact, we have to take care of our own miserable selves.
Maybe its losing the child that makes me sad. We used to hate her, but have come to realize she got good points too.
<<<<I think this is true. I have come to realize that I do keep wishing to be saved. I've told a horrible story and then turned to my therapist and cried, "where were you? Why didn't you make him stop?" I'm not sure I know how to save myself, or worse, that i want to.>>>>>And there's fear, fear of NOT being sick anymore, cuz its all we know....the fearful child has been so strong in our makeup...how to overcome that?
I dunno Daisy, these are things I say to myself.
<<<<<<But I have never looked sick, or upset. I've kept the fearful child hidden and secret. I felt like I was doing the right thing by finding this part of me and letting her talk. Now it turns out I'm supposed to keep her quiet.>>>>My T used to push me just a bit, then I'd dissociate, and she'd back right off. I kinda wish she wouldn't have. Mebbe I'da found out something. Maybe not.
I dunno.
<<<<<Yeah, I was doing a lot of that this weekend and today. It feels kind of dizzy or like I haven't eaten for awhile.>>>>>I just know that when I realized that it was up to me to comfort this child within me, well, for one I didn't want to, cuz I hated her, and for another, I was resentful to, and for another...I wanted t to do it, and for me to maybe feel the (caring?) thru the child, cuz I (for unknown reasons) am not allowed.
I want to feel the peace and safe feeling a child feels when it is young and safe and being held by a loving parent. If its *I* that must supply it to my child...well...its just not the same, cuz then *I* won't get a chance to feel it, cuz Iam giving it to the child, but not to myself. I want to GET 'it', not just give 'it'.
Sort of like that well of 'need'. I think it relates to that.
<<<<<<This makes a lot of sense to me. I'll have to think about if I'm resentful. But I think I am sad that I'm not allowed to feel safe anymore, I have to make myself safe. And I was never very good at that.>>>>>A T's job, is to work themself out of a job...mebbe in some way you feel rejected by him pushing you to heal?
Maybe your child feels rejected by him saying he can;t comfort her, but that adult daisy must do this...
Dunno if that makes sense.
<<<<<Makes perfect sense. And I think rejected is exactly how I felt. And scolded. I want to do therapy right so I can be done with it but yes, it is scary to think about leaving this safe base.>>>Anyhow, when I read your post, i kinda understood, cuz I could feel it in my chest, and I don't usu feel that much, so I have wondered the same.
<<<<<I'm sorry you have such strong feelings around this too. It seems like someone should invent an easier way.
poster:DAisym
thread:777493
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/777520.html