Posted by DAisym on August 22, 2007, at 23:57:54
In reply to I'm a therapy weakling, posted by DAisym on August 20, 2007, at 21:58:08
Thank you all for the replies. I see I'm not alone in this. But is is so painful and hard, isn't it?
We've spent a couple of sessions trying to talk about what happened and why I got so upset. I still can't articulate exactly the feeling. Mostly what I can get is that I don't know how to use our (my therapist and mine) connection to feel strong. I seem to think that being strong severs the connection. And then I'm so terribly alone again. And that is just devastating.
He thinks that this is really, really old. I was alone with all the abuse and craziness and I had to handle it on my own. Having support from someone else meant telling them, and I just couldn't do that.
We also talked about Dinah's idea that his pushing feels like a critism, that I'm not OK the way I am. He said he pushes for me to be self-protective, not because I have "flaws." (my word) I said it feels like he has seen something in me that isn't right, before I saw it and before I could fix it or apologize for it. In other words, he noticed I'm not perfect. How can I want to be special to him if I'm not perfect? Then I don't deserve his caring or to be special.
He made a face and said, "perfect is boring. If I wanted a perfect patient, I'd just treat robots." Well, thank goodness I'm at least not boring. He also said that I do deserve his caring - I think he said, "why else would I put all this time and energy into our relationship and helping you feel better?" (yes, there is a smart @ss answer to that question.)
Today the topic was completely different, due to a melt down, but at one point he said, "I know you don't want me to challenge you, but you are being way too harsh with yourself right now." So at least I know he heard me and is taking it into consideration. Nothing like making your therapist gun-shy, is there?
poster:DAisym
thread:777493
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/777940.html