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Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. shelliR

Posted by Lorraine on August 8, 2001, at 23:53:50

In reply to Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. Lorraine, posted by shelliR on August 8, 2001, at 20:28:02

Hi Shelli, all

> > > It is hard to me to understand how both my last pdoc and my therapist could render such critical judgments about my choices in trying to deal with such horrible pain when they had no solutions.

It's pretty annoying isn't it--sort of like metting out advice from an ivory tower with nice clean gloves. This is why I'm always a bit in the face about things like length of wash-out periods, drug alternatives during wash-out and length of time before a med becomes effective and influences my mood.

> > >I lost a lot of both my childhood and early adulthood; I'm really not willing to lose more of my life if I have any options.

I totally relate to the concept of lost time. The life train leaves the station and you are either on board or marking time by the side of the tracks. My FIL (whom I adore) visits; I am either vitally there or not; if my illness prevents me from being fully present, then that time is irretrievably lost and he is 76 so how many more opportunities are there. Or my child is 11, she will only be 11 once. It's an important age (they all are). I can't afford to miss it. In 7 years, she is out of the house, gone to find her own life, her childhood is gone. Well, here we are Shelli, this ticking clock thing drives me absolutely nut:-(

> > >I told her that when she showed me her tax returns (and that of her MD husband) we then might approach the topic of the spirit of the law on equal ground!

I do like this, yes!

> > >And I think I need to learn to accept peoples blind spots; just as I assume they accept mine. Only of course I don't see mine (or don't have any! :-)

Except of course, your therapist< vbg >?

> > > > btw, did you read any of the thread about attachment? Do you know what I mean now?

You shamed me into it. I think I understand. My kids always say "look at this", "watch this, Mommy", "come listen to my new guitar piece, Mom". It's like their life only comes fully alive when I am there to witness it. My husband is the same way. His idea of a great day is to do anything and have me watch him. These is something about this--validate me by letting me be the center of your universe. It is supposed to be (according to my therapist) very important for kids to get their fill of this. The other piece--which I have thought about a lot--is the drive toward symbiosis with another person. Symbiosis, the melding of two into one. I felt it the first time I breast fed my children. I was transported. Also--at least for me--the need to be fully known and loved. I get this stuff in other ways--not with my therapist. You see where the children come in, and symbiosis of sorts with my husband (there is something like patina that comes with time), and being fully known and loved by husband and dear friends. I think I understand what you are talking about. Do I sound on track?

> Aside from feeling a bit depressed, I am feeling a bit down tonight (two different things for me).

Sorry to hear this. I hope the Parnate kicks in soon.

> >
> > > > > I'm not generally interested in support groups, but that does sound interesting.
> > Well, I have a strong need for community right now.
> Well, I remember you said you missed the community of work. Are you looking for any community, or are you still feeling that you need to be around more people who understand depression? Does a sense of community mean fitting into a group of some sort, e.g. work group, support group, etc. I mean what does that phrase mean for you?

Community is something that I never had when I was growing up. We moved and moved and moved and moved. Each new school year, I stood before that class (quaking in my SA) and introduced myself to a new group of classmates. We weren't army brats, so this group wasn't a bunch of drifters like us, they had all grown up together. We had no consistent family friends; we didn't go to church; noone knew us. We were always strangers. So a need for community is pretty strong with me in it's own right. Then when I get very depressed and start thinking that I may not win the lottery this time around on my game of med roulette, I feel like there is not enough holding me to this earth and I need to be here for my children, my husband, my mother, my friends. This specific need then becomes the need for others like me (depressed folk) to anchor me, to teach me their strategies, to lend me that look of sympathy that comes only from someone who Knows.

> > > So you think 10mg of parnate is really making a huge difference?

Bear in mind, I am almost always on puny doses of drugs. Moclobemide was 75 mg (the average dose, i think is 300 and above); Selegiline 5 mg; Wellbutrin 100 (drove me out of my skin). I understand that for most people Parnate is between 20 and 40 mg. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up here or 5 mg higher. I am biting my nails and cuticles again--an indication that I am probably a bit overstimulated. What can I say, I take small doses and I feel things quickly--Effexor took the longest for me to feel positive effects from.

> Also, btw, my gyn doesn't think there is any reliable test for hormone levels, including the saliva test.

She may be right. I don't think saliva testing has been used in controlled experiments. And I know--from personal experience-- that serum testing is pure b.s. What can I say? Women's needs haven't topped the medical research lists...

> > How is Parnate treating you?
> No complaints, no ad affects yet.

Yea! What's your titrating schedule? By the way, I'm seeing my pdoc on Friday and will ask him re sleeping.

> Shelli




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