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Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. shelliR

Posted by Lorraine on August 7, 2001, at 11:04:05

In reply to Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al., posted by shelliR on August 6, 2001, at 20:35:14

Hi Shelli, elizabeth, others:

I just wanted to say that when I address something in the heading to Shelli or elizabeth it is never meant to be exclusive--any and all readers, writers, thinker are welcome to join in.

> Tomorrow will be my first day on Parnate. I think I'll take 5mg in the morning and hope for the best.

That's how I started out too. Then day 2 5mg am and 5mg pm.

> In the meantime, my pdoc gave me the okay to up my oxycontin (10mg bid to 10mg bid + 10mg prn).

You may not need it, but I guess it's good for keeping your therapist at bay.

> And he changed my klonopin to valium.
> How can you give up a doctor like this who doesn't freak out about either valium or oxycontin, just doesn't
> return phone calls

Flexibility really counts, I think.

> My therapist said on the phone over the weekend that I was exhibiting addictive behavior;

Shelli, do you have an addictive past?
> > >and we've agreed not to talk about medication.

I wonder if you could do this generally with her. I mean what is she doing second guessing your meds anyway. We all "self-medicate" to the extent that we make do with what we have reducing doses, increasing doses--this is not considered a big deal normally

> > > but I really wanted to work out attachment issues with her--not just switch therapists again and move the attachment to someone else like I always do. Then after attachment, work on intimate relationship issues.

Shelli--do you have attachment issues with your therapist? Is she a surrogate parent in some way?

> > >I've already exposed all my shame with her, so I don't want to start over. (but if I've really worked out my shame issues with her why does it seem so scary to bring them up with someone else?)

Shame is a big, big, big, big ,big deal. I think. It takes a lot of faith in someone to work through shame issues with them. I'm not sure I could do that with someone who threatens to withdraw their approval of me. Also I'm wondering if working out attachment issues with someone who threatens to abandon you is best. Shelli, if you can't leave her now (and I understand how hard it is to do that and how hard it is to start with someone new) then maybe you should write her a letter about this stuff. Because it sounds like you guys have some things to work out here and it could be good for you to do this more immediate work on your relationship with her. (Shelli, I know I'm being pushy--so just take what you find useful and toss the rest. Judgmentalism is a huge issue with me. I'm allergic to it. :-)

> > >[re shame worked out] shelli--i had lot of shame issues that I worked out with my therapist and have disclosed to people who are very close to me (husband, friends). I don't think it would bother me to talk to a new therapist about them, but I haven't disclosed some to my mother (and I should just for healing) or my brother (might never be able to). Part of it is choosing people that it is safe to disclose things to. I don't think the "vulnerability" goes away--I think that it quits running you life though. Or, better way to look at it, loses its power slowly over time.

> > >[re why do I care what she thinks]
Huge issue for me Shelli--isn't this what "shame" is all about? I attended a Recovery Inc meeting last week where someone was talking about an encounter he had with his landlord and said "i realize i didn't have to let the bridge down". These guys have their own lingo--but the point was that there was the external world and the internal world and that we choose how much of the external world to allow in. Somehow this "bridge" concept clicked for me as an image. This make me think that Recovery inc might have something of value for you. You might check them out (they are everywhere).

> > > Hope you both (all --if there are any lurkers) are doing okay.

I'm doing well, actually. Yesterday, I took my second dose at 12:45 (instead of 1:30) and I exercised. I was able to sleep pretty well so that's encouraging.

> > > Thanks for letting me write a book here;

I'm glad you did. We share some issues.

btw, haven't you guys ever heard of a library. Lorriane, you could get The Magic Daugher from the library, *then* if you like it, buy it.

Yeah, I used to do that (it's actually great here, i can request books online and then pick them at my local library). The problem is that when I hibernate, I stop going out. So now that I am in an up-swing, I could start this again.





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