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Re: jumping in - Shelli, Lorriane, shelliR

Posted by Lorraine on August 7, 2001, at 12:37:29

In reply to Re: jumping in - Shelli, Lorriane, Elizabeth, posted by shelliR on August 6, 2001, at 22:45:47

Hi: Shelli, Elizabeth, others:

> Well, I see it that way because I am so detached from it. When I stopped talking to my SIL it really drove her crazy; it still does. She'll call my mother and tell her that I didn't say hello, etc. But she has never said to me, "hey what's going on?" or "what don't you acknowlege me?" so it gives me a lot of power in the relationship. Although when I stopped talking to her it didn't have to do with power, more with self-preservation. But with such a judmental person, power is not a bad thing to have.

My MIL is vary judgmental. After years of trying to please her (10), I took her for a walk and told her that I was done trying to please her, that I thought she had always disliked me and that there was nothing that I could do that would change that, that it was painful for me to be around her and that I would no longer stay in her house, although she was free to visit us. What a load off my mind that was. I was respectful and loving during the talk. I'm not sure now 5 years later--with SIL hating me because of it--that it was the "right" thing. It was the only thing to do at the time to protect myself. But now I'm wondering about that concept of simply not extending the bridge to people who are hurtful to me as opposed to banishing them from the kingdom. It's an area I need to work on.

> > >in other words tried to figure it all out and not miss a step so that she wouldn't know. The funny thing is that she would not have cared; it was just impulse on my part to "be normal." Nothing precipitated it that I could figure out,

The drive to be normal, when you have a shame based core is pretty compelling in my case at least.

> > > I was raped at gun point in September of my senior year of college and I still have a lot of things I can't remember about it. It did not affect sex at all at the time, but my therapist thinks that I have never really dealt with it and that it is still affecting me. I was twenty and didn't tell my parents because I thought their knowledge would be more of a burden to me than a help. I finally told them about five years ago.

Shelli--this is terrible. Don't you have some PTSD from this?

> There was a daytime tv show called "Queen for a day", when I was very very young, where three women would come on and tell how horrible their lifes were and the audience would vote for the one who had the worst life and she would win a refrigerator or a dishwasher or something like that.

I didn't know that's what that show was about. I thought it was about people who embodied the highest notion of motherhood.

> > >I just had the feeling when I was writing about my rape that I was on that show: I was physically abused at age____, sexually abused at age_____, raped at 20. Do I get a refrigerator? :-)

Not exactly a refrigerator. Some how I think we could both be contestants, but I'm hoping you would win :-) It gives me some comfort though to see someone else who struggles with some of the same stuff I struggle with. I read a very moving article called "Depression and Spiritual Growth" http://chandra.astro.indianaedu/bipoloar/spirit.htm Anyway, he says we emotional depth, authenticity, compassion and strength. The article is great. I keep it in my emergency kit. He talks compellingly about suicide and why it is important that we resist it.

> What's the difference between cylert and concerta. I could look it up, but then I think I'd lose this post. I could look it up later!

Concerta is a stimulant-like Ritalin, but 10-12 hr steady release; Cylert is pemoline, a stimuland that has some liver risk associated with it.





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