Posted by alexandra_k on September 24, 2018, at 4:18:19
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 24, 2018, at 3:48:51
and now i'm starting to remember...
and i'm thinking about harmony vs discord. and how there was some discussion about civility as having something to do with harmony and peacekeeping.
and how that can be in tension with... i don't know... disturb. questioning, sometimes. the idea of bouncing off of in... maybe slightly unpredictable directions.
thinking about how i was removed from (and not really understanding of) US politics. and about how sometimes i did misjudge things (perhaps) with respect to... smoothness... being required. i'm not a natural soother. obviously. i think people expect a little less of that from me here than irl because i'm clearly a girl irl and clearly that is the natural function of girls...
hmm.
i remember sending bob an email of 'i hate you i hate you' and i discovered a copy-paste function to make paragraphs into pages into many pages and i don't know how long that email was... i was pretty upset, i remember. yeah.
and i also remember posting a response to every single post so i was the only poster visible on the board. that took work. that'll teach ya for trying to block me. or that'll keep dinah busy, or something. i was pretty upset, i remember. yeah.
i guess nobody knew the addictive(?) potential of the internet, back then. how psychologically... involved... things could get. and so on.
from the perspective of now... i guess the idea of blocks was 'take a step back and cool off'. the idea wasn't to psychologically damage... but it's hard. on the one hand you need rules so people can plan their futures... on the other hand you need to adopt your style as any parent knows. some kids need a firmer touch and others need a lighter touch. only... if that were true then why didn't i just take a step back when asked? i don't know.
and why do i keep spamming the boards now?
i don't know.
i win. i'm not blocked. i asked him to block me. if he blocks me then he's only doing what i asked. he doesn't have power over me anymore.
only he does.
all the other guys in my life died. my father. my brother. there was one guy who i went out with for a time who was a good guy, but things didn't work out. i think maybe he's gay. but also, he actually showed me that there were things about me that wasn't so great (i was eating pretty rubbish and smoking heaps). and... he couldn't sit by and watch me live like that. and... i realised. he was right. no self respecting person would. and strangely... i think that perhaps that might have been the start of me wanting to be a better person. not for him, particularly, but for someone like him. if that makes any kind of sense, at all. this site made me want to be better, too. i worked towards being a better person. i tried to be kinder and gentler. tis hard for me. still working on it.
i do miss a lot of the kindness and gentleness that i found, here. it felt safe for the smaller feelings. nowhere irl has ever felt like that for me. even though my therapist tried... it didn't feel right. i don't know.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1100843
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20180816/msgs/1101032.html