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Re: Partlycloudy

Posted by alexandra_k on September 24, 2018, at 19:31:06

In reply to Re: Partlycloudy alexandra_k, posted by Clearskies on September 24, 2018, at 16:29:38

thanks, pc.

this site was never supposed to be a replacement for people getting the help they needed irl. he was always clear about that. the individual poster did (at times) take the hit for the group, or for his sanity, or whatever... and that wouldn't have been so hard for some people if they had have had the help / support they needed irl.

but i didn't, really. and that made here pretty intense for me.

i don't seek help anymore. i've come to see that help seeking is a display of weakness that others will likely exploit (if they have opportunity) for their advantage. i see that people offering help are often motivated by just how much they can help themselves at others expense.

here was different. which is why it isn't sustainable. as the people from commons-places see something... see something they are not supposed to see because it is not for them...

like how i'm locked out of anything, here. if there even is anything here. i'm of two minds about that.

the last 10 years of my life... how hard i have worked and the university... well, lets see, it starts with them forgetting to pay you and then they forget to pass you...

we'll see.

tidy things up in a few more days because they don't feel they've done their job properly if they don't force me to work on it for longer. i mean... that's what an editor would do for them - right? or a journal peer reviewer? it's the whole 9-5 thing. you must stay with your bum on the seat until 5 or it... isn't fair to the other kids. something like that. and if the person doing the work isn't actually threatened with failure and the like then they wouldn't do work at all.

even when there is a documented history of the person working in... civilised conditions. and cutting and running when treated like garbage. but of course they don't actually want me to finish, anyway, it is better for them if they are a scare resource, or whatever.

whatever. jump through the hoop and get out. they weren't afraid it would come to that they did what they could to bring that about.

of course it did occur to me that the whole small group thing was tied up in a whole charitable donation thing and looking out for donors primarily because thats the way the world works or whatever. of course it did occur to me. and of course it did also occur to me that that makes my presence here, somewhat subsidised and at the whims and vagaries of those who are the primary donors. donors or beneficiaries so hard to track the profits and losses...

but what are you going to do?

take what you can for as long as you can and keep your eyes open for something else to exploit to your advantage?

i'm still here. for whatever that's worth.

it was because it wouldn't have felt right sharing those emotions with my therapist irl. becuase it would have been just the two of us. which would have been wrong, somehow. but sharing those kinds of feelings with what felt like a small group. that did feel right. and at times... here felt like a big city and here felt like there was a war on. yeah. it did.

that's what's different. there aren't lots of people, here, to make this place such a warzone anymore.

but the rebuild didn't happen. well, we got facebook and the like, instead.

good old principles of intermittant reinforcement schedules and so on.




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