Posted by leeran on May 14, 2003, at 21:31:30
In reply to Toxic Friendships, posted by WorryGirl on May 12, 2003, at 10:01:06
WorryGirl –
I was thinking about your post while I had lunch. I work at home, so it's usually myself, the dog and MSNBC or Fox News (and whatever is currently on my mind).
I mentally revisited the neighborhoods where I've lived over the years (as an adult) and realized I've never formed any close neighborhood relationships. Maybe because of my mother's warnings about not getting too close to neighbors (because if there's a falling out you still have to live nearby). Her “what if” attitude has trickled down the genetic gutter pipe in more ways than one.
Actually, she can’t take the blame for this. The likelier contributing factors are (a) I’m very shy in person (b) I usually feel like a social misfit in most situations (c) the neighborhoods where I've lived haven't been all that neighborly (or at least not with me - LOL!).
This is a tough situation. It sounds like this woman may be employing some rather Machiavellian tactics and in those circumstances, the players are often backed into a 'd**ned if you do - d**ned if you don't' corner."
When I read this line:
"She makes comments that undermine me whenever we're around other people"
I was reminded of my first husband who became adept at maneuver, knowing full well that I would never cause a scene in front of other people. And although he could be a stinker, he was anything but Machiavellian. His actions were probably based on his own self-esteem issues. Despite the fact that he was (and still is) very handsome (and never failed to remind me of that fact), he struggled in other areas.
Regardless of his looks, he never came off as very warm and people usually picked up on that vacancy in his personality soon after meeting him. If this is the case with your neighbor, it may be common knowledge around the 'hood. And understanding someone’s “motive” makes it easier for me to tolerate their behavior (note: if she wasn’t a neighbor and you didn’t have to encounter her from time to time I would drop her like a hot skillet – but considering real estate is involved, a more amicable solution seems ).I'm getting the impression that you're the newer/newest neighbor? With any luck, people are more aware of her methods than you might realize. They may be a bit afraid of her because they've been subject to this treatment as well. Other neighbors may eventually disclose this voluntarily (once they realize it won't get back to her), but you’ll definitely have to tread carefully as the new "gal on the block" until someone else mentions it first. Even then, I would just take it as positive confirmation (i.e. with no more than an “oh, really?” response) and try not to comment on anything directly regarding her. After all, you never know how news travels through the neighborhood grapevine (my trust issues are hanging out all over this post!).
I do believe that most people are pretty observant and, moreover, good at heart, so once the other neighbors have gotten to know the real you (versus whoever she might have unfairly portrayed you as) you might find a warming trend coming in your direction!
There's a girl in my son's class who is very "popular." There are countless stories in circulation (even among other parents) of the incredible control she exerts over her peer group. Why are so many kids willing to offer up this kind of loyalty to one individual? The only reasonable explanation I've come up with is fear. Fear of alienation? Retaliation? It must be all of the above and then some. Whatever it is, she's managed to orchestrate the social demise of many a young girl over the four years since we've lived here.
People like this both fascinate and repulse me, regardless of age (as long as they’re within observation distance – not interaction distance!). I had an out-of-state manager who was involved in the end of my seventeen-year career with the same organization. Involved, yet seemingly innocent, all the while turning people against one another behind the scenes. My business partner and I ended up quitting because staying would have been just as difficult. It was a lose-lose situation and every bit as wrenching as either one of my divorces. We later found out that many of the ill feelings that existed between departments were perpetuated by this one fellow who was so adept at playing one side against the other. You've got to hand it to people like this. It can't be easy staying on top of all the alliances and machinations necessary to keep everyone pitted against one another (without sullying your own name in the process).
These are tough situations and I feel for you WorryGirl. Life is dicey enough without having to deal with chessboard neighborhood maneuvers! You sound very genuine and open. These qualities, that come so natural for you, can be threatening to people who thrive on dissension. An internet friend of mine always used to show up on the message board we both frequented whenever heated discussions took place. At least she was honest when she described herself as a "controversy junkie."
As you mentioned, this neighbor may be jealous of the difference in your financial situation. Variances in financial prosperity can eat away at some people. In situations like this I always try to hold my cards close. The less she knows about your personal dossier, the less she can twist things (either in her own mind or to other people).
I had a former friend whose modus operandi was badgering “friends” for personal information - i.e. household income, marital discord, etc. I eventually stopped taking her calls after one particular lunch (I may have posted about this before) when she successfully pried the news of my ex-husband's infidelity out of me. When she laughed in my face after this painful admission I just checked her off my list. This was before “toxic” was a catch-phrase, but when I read your post title I immediately thought of her.
Luckily, she wasn't a neighbor and I only saw her one other time (while she was driving slowly past our new house on a dead-end street about thirty miles from where she lived). She pulled in the driveway and admitted she wanted to see what our house looked like. I’m ashamed to say that I actually orchestrated the situation by inviting her husband, who was our insurance man, over (professionally) to upgrade our policies after we moved. I knew her well enough to know that she would hound her husband for a complete description of our house. Very petty of me. It was a great coincidence, being outside when she drove by. And although there was a small measure of momentary satisfaction, I ended up being more disgusted by my own need to twist the knife of revenge. By that time my marriage had become a monument to materialism and my unhappiness with myself was something I pushed away with new cars, jewelry, vacations, etc.
Sorry to divert in so many ways in this post – but I guess that brings up a good point. Sometimes, people who look the happiest and appear to have the most, are really the unhappiest of all. Anyone who did a “drive by” of my house/life back then would have been greatly deceived by the false front I managed to carefully construct over the years.
<<Sigh>>
WorryGirl, I'm hoping this neighbor of yours is more like my ex-husband and not like the freshman girl who reigns over her nail-biting masses (in other words, a stinker versus a tyrant). I think people will tolerate an Eddie Haskell type, but they fear Little Chucky. THE GOOD THING IS, I THINK THE CHUCKYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN! I've not met many in my lifetime. My former boss and this teenage girl are the only two that even come to mind! Even this rather toxic "friend" of mine was rather harmless simply because she was so obvious (her own husband was constantly apologizing for her rude behavior).
Hang in there, WorryGirl. It's hard to imagine that there aren't other neighbors that this woman has alienated - i.e. people with whom you may end up having more in common. As I get older I find myself in agreement with the cynic, Diogenes, who said “it is better to have one friend of great value than many friends who are good for nothing.”
Lee
poster:leeran
thread:226073
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/226721.html