Posted by WorryGirl on May 14, 2003, at 20:14:21
In reply to Re: Toxic Friendships, posted by noa on May 14, 2003, at 19:51:56
> Worrygirl, now that I've reread your post and the replies, I will reply.
>
> First, it sounds like a terribly uncomfortable situation!
>
> And, your wish for friendship to be supportive and uplifting is a good wish. If this person is not very positive, maybe you should not have such an intense friendship with her, and continue to meet people whom you feel have more positive energy.
>
I think she may be extremely moody. I've called her and been given the cold shoulder but other times she seems very happy to talk. Me, if I'm busy, and someone calls, will say, "I'm dying to talk to you, but I've got a ton of stuff going on. Let me call you back when it all calms down". She makes me feel intrusive when I call by either cutting me off, not sounding friendly, or not returning my answering machine message sometimes. When she is positive, she is wonderfully sweet.> Is it possible that the friendship got too intimate too fast? You describe disclosing your worries to her, etc., and that she also disclosed to you. Maybe she feels too exposed? Maybe if she disclosed financial issues, her husband found out about it and is really uncomfortable with you and your husband knowing about their finances? Maybe it just got too revealing to quickly and that can be scary. Or too interdependent too quickly?
>I think you're right. As hard as I try, I fall into this pattern. Why do some people, such as myself, do this? Why are we so anxious to get close too fast. It always backfires, but I find myself repeating this pattern.
> Who knows?
>
> But obviously, you would wish she would handle the discomfort (whatever the reason) in a better way, I am sure.
>
> Whta do you think about the idea of talking to her, like something along the lines of: "hey, you know, I've been sensing that there is a little tension between us lately. You, know, we hit it off really well really fast, and maybe a little too fast, and maybe we should back up a bit? I like you, and still would like to be friends with you, but do you think we both might feel more comfortable if we both stepped back a bit? You know, take the pressure off? Because I'd like to preserve our friendship,and I'd hate for this tension build and get in the way of being great neighbors."
>
I like that. If a situation comes up that's appropriate, I will use those words. I think, though, that SHE has already made the decision to back off. Nonetheless, if she knows I have been feeling the same way maybe it will take some pressure off her. Those words of advice have given me a big sigh of relief! A-a-ahhhh> I dunno. Just an idea. And of course, it's all armchair coaching hehe, ie, much easier to think about YOU doing than ME!!
>
> Also, since you seem to be someone who worries, maybe you can hold off on concluding *why* things are going the way they are. I know that I have overinterpreted things sometimes, and it can help to wait and see before acting on conclusion that might be skewed by anxiety.
>
> Which is not to say you are imagining this problem! I hope the previous paragraph doesn't seem to imply that.
>
No, sometimes I do overanalyze situations that have no real negativity in them, just my perceived worries. But this case isn't entirely in my head. How she really feels about me, though, only she knows. Since I have always gone out of my way to be nice, I don't think she could have any serious issues with me.> I just know that it is often hard to guess what another person's motivation really is.
>
> I think you should meet different people, keep it "light" for a while before getting too close, and get a sense of who has positive energy that you want to get to know better.I'm working on it. Thank you, Noa. I have met one or two "potentials" and am trying to be relaxed and unhurried concerning a possible friendship with them.
poster:WorryGirl
thread:226073
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/226708.html