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Re: I wonder.... Mair and

Posted by noa on May 1, 2003, at 17:35:51

In reply to Re: I wonder.... Mair and, posted by likelife on April 29, 2003, at 0:23:47

I agree--I think I was a mismatch with my parents in a lot of ways.

I remember way back in the early 80's I was reading August, a novel by Judith Rossner, (sorry no double double quotes because for whatever reason this particular book doesn't get a match) and being a novel, it, of course had a kind of neatly packaged linear cause-effect thing going with an uncovered early trauma, too early for ready access to memories. At the time, this made me wonder a bit about any trauma I did not know about, but I think I came to realize after not very long that there didn't have to be something dramatic that happened to explain my problems.

I had a friend who, during the 80's, when recovered memories were coming out of the closet, and recovery support groups were becoming popular, spent a lot of time with recovering abuse victims, and in that context, began to be convinced that she must have been sexually abused by her father, even though she had no memories to that effect, just based on her depressive symptoms. It just felt that way to her because how else could she explain her depression and unhappiness. To me, there were plenty of "reasons" (aside from biology) based on what I already knew of her background. But to her none of that felt like "enough" of a reason to have the problems she did. Of course, I have no idea whether she was or was not abused but I remember how disturbing I found it that she assumed she must have been based on her adult symptoms and the support she was feeling in the recovery groups. BTW, she also went through a brief period during this time when she was hanging with the recovery friends, of believing she was a lesbian. She had never suspected this before, and had had relationships with men before, and this ended after less than a year, and a couple of years later, she called to say she was getting married (to a man).

So much of this is biology. And then there is the plain old, garden variety, "mismatch" that you mentioned. The story behind my depression is kind of lackluster and would make a terrible Hollywood plot. I think we like a good story--to be able to reveal something that makes us say, "Aha! No wonder. That explains it all so perfectly". A nice clean, wrapped up story with obvious cause-effect and dramatic appeal.

Sorry to put it so glibly. I definitely don't mean to be trivializing all of this. I think far too much abuse probably goes unreported.




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