Posted by muffled on December 29, 2006, at 22:53:54 [reposted on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:11 | original URL]
In reply to Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. LONG, posted by Daisym on December 29, 2006, at 17:49:40
> I swear my therapist said to me about a million times, "'I don't want to' is a good enough reason to not have sex." And my sexual experience is very limited, so again, I might not be the best responder here.
**I really appreciate your response Daisy. I don't have a whole lot of sexual experience either.
My husband is a saint I got to say. He is very kind. He would never force me. I feel terrible bout how I feel, and I couldn't possibly tell him I'm revolted, cuz that would hurt him. I'm not sure WHAT to say to him. I USED to do it OK. I even used to jump him. Part of me liked it, but at the same time there's always been a part thats been horrified. Unfortunately the 'like' part seems to have mostly gone away. Just the terrified one remains. Sometimes I kinda want to, but then I get so afraid. Blind terror. And there is NO REASON. We have been more actually closer, but not much. Its also hard w/small kids in the house, but in a strange way they make me feel safe. When they at school and DH is home I get kinda scared. One time he made a grab for me and pulled me to him, I just saw a white flash and tore away. It wasn't nice :( I just covered it up by getting it together elsewhere and then comming back and pretending nothing happened.
> The first thing I want to say is that this is a hugely important thing to be able to talk about in therapy. If not there, then where? Sex is part of being human, like eating and breathing, but it gets twisted sometimes.
**Its a very twisted thing indeed. I think its got alot to do with evil. Its just one time I wrote some bout it in a fax to T (I say MOST stuff via fax, then we sorta go thru fax in the session, but there's never enough time, so we never get thru the faxes, and there's always MORE fax stuff in the next week, so alot of stuff gets left. Used to bug me, but now I figger if its a prob for me it WILL come up again, and we will get to it eventually)So anyways, it was something she ignored....but to give her a break she WAS trying to get me to finally talk bout some stuff I not supposed to talk about, and really don't know much anyways. But had mentioned it in the fax, so she seized upon it,,,
So now I got to deal with whatever 'it' was about? mebbe not the week she gets back, but the next.(after a long break, the first session just seems to be a reestablishing thing for me, to see she real, she the same, she don't hate me etc etc.)
>I don't mean talk about exactly what you are doing, unless that is important in some way, but more, why you feel so dissociated and scared by it. Is it the proximity of a man? Or the feeling of someone "on" you? Or is it the raw vulnerability of it? Once you can pin down what you are feeling, and why so uncomfortable, then it might be easier to figure out how to help yourself.
**I have that idea in my mind...someone suggested that before...but I just haven't had much nerve. Best I can guess would be, well, I dunno, I guess touch kinda freaks me, I feel sorta like an object, not like human. I do sort of(VERY faintly these days)feel aroused, but then its not a good thing somehow...and then, ughhhh, I trying to write this so then mebbe I can write T. Well, my DH has NEVER forced. But his part, well, I dunno, I'm not lesbian, but the part, I just don't like it. When I feel it against me I flip out. I feel nautious with terror, blind terror. Kinda like you so scared that you can't even think. You so scared you don't even know its fear. Its just TOTAL. And I fight and fight to stay there and cooperate, and its just not fun, and I try to show some enthusiasm, I try tp pretend all is OK. But its hard to move, and its all I can do to breath, and speak, and keep up the pretense, and then I'll make some excuse that I hear the kids and run away.
(I just reread this, mebbe I should try taking a hefty dose of xanax before? Interesting thot...)
> I think there is give and take in all marriages, and we do things that aren't our favorite things to be doing. But I think we all need to have our own needs met as well and we need to have a line established that we don't cross. If something feels too scary, then it is Ok to stop doing it. That doesn't mean cutting out sex altogether, it means finding what you like or at least can tolerate. And dissociating is not a terrible coping mechanism until you can find those things.
**Thanks for sharing so much Daisy, makes me feel a whole lot better bout myself.
> But I know what you mean, when I dissociated less, sex was so much harder. Someone had a way of asking her younger parts to take a nap, or stay out of the bedroom while adult things were happening. That resonated with me for a while. I knew I needed to stay "big" and tell myself I wasn't a little girl being abused again. It didn't work all the time, but it did work.
**Hmmmm. I not very good a choosing who does what, they pretty much do what they want, my inside people...sigh. But its an interesting thought, that mebbe its a kid thats getting freaked...hmmm, mebbe I can try to consciously tell myself I AM ADULT. I AM IN CONTROL. NOBODY f*cks w/me unless I say so. So there.
Yeah...I used to constantly blank out...now its not as common, I just suffer the tortures of my mind sometimes..guess its a sign of progress...I AM learning to feel, and to cope, and to beleive that its TRUE that the feelings DO pass....eventually.
> And then there were times when the work in therapy was so raw and so hard that sex was just out of the question.
**Mebbe thats where I at :( But then again I feel myself quite ready to let my denial parts quash that kid again...
>I'm so thankful that the tension around all of that is over, now that we've split up.
**Sorry bout the split up, but at the same time, ahhhhhh, what a releif.
> It sounds like your husband is a sweet guy who loves you and wants to show you his love. Maybe if you can keep framing it for yourself as love and holding and warmth and giving, it won't be so frightening.
**My DH is a wonderful man. I think I gonna just have to talk bout this some time to T :-(
Just my T said one time, when we was talking bout tears, and diff kinds of tears, and she said as how sometimes when she w/her man, she gets tears in her eyes of happiness and love cuz she feels close to him in EVERY way. Sigh.
I don't think that will EVER happen to me. But at least if I can tolerate it, and make my man happy, well, I'd be content with that. Its just after my T painted this picture of perfection, well, I just sorta feel like, well like, how on EARTH could she possibly understand where I comming from?
> But I'd bring it up in therapy. I bet it will help.