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I sure hope this was a Modest Proposal (re: sex)

Posted by Racer on March 2, 2008, at 14:45:28

My therapist was talking the other day about sex -- the fact that I ain't gettin' none -- and suggested that since my husband has shown that he's not willing to make any effort to satisfy that need for me, I had the option of getting that need met elsewhere.

I plan to use that in part as a starting point for a discussion of our sexless marriage next time we have marriage counseling. I am trying to treat it as a Modest Proposal, but part of me is seriously considering it. Mind you, I am not spoiling for options as far as other men are concerned, but I was told that if I really wanted to, I could find one who'd be willing...

I don't know how I feel about this. Part of me feels dirty just thinking about it -- I feel disloyal, and pathetic, and undesirable, and many other things that are just not comfortable. I have been imagining another man -- about the only one I know whom I could imagine trying it out with -- and just want to hide. All I can imagine is humiliation and mortification and rejection. Which, of course, is part of why my T suggested this.

My husband has made no attempt in about two years to initiate anything, and then it was literally asking me from across the room, "you wanna?" Well, uh -- not when you approach me that way. That's not adequate foreplay. I've tried initiating something, and no joy -- he literally pushes me away, and looks embarrassed, and sometimes even says something like, "what are you doing?" as though there's something wrong with it. Even during our fertility treatment, we finally had to go to insemination, because he would not do what we'd need to do.

And I look in the mirror, and I can't wonder why he's not interested -- fat, old, wrinkled, pathetic. Why would anyone want me?

But damn it -- I also know that when I look in the mirror, I am not seeing what the rest of the world sees! I *know* that what I see is a distorted perception, that is based more on anxiety and my eating disorder than on anything objectively discernible. (Except around my eyes -- the skin there is reminding me more and more of a nice linen dress at the end of a long day...)

I'm still having a crisis about it, though. I get into moods where I worry that staying with my husband -- whom I love, by the way, which is an important part of the equation -- would mean giving up ever having sex again. I worry that I will never again feel that heat from a man's skin, or have any sense of being desired, or experience passion, or even just feel that reaction welling up from between my legs. I know that many people who have experienced CSA don't particularly enjoy sex, but I do. Yes, I have some conflicts, but I enjoy the act itself.

At least, I think I do. I remember it as something I enjoyed. Frankly, it's been so damn long I could be wrong about it all...

And damn I feel pathetic right now.




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