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Re: I sure hope this was a Modest Proposal (re: se twinleaf

Posted by Racer on March 2, 2008, at 17:07:35

In reply to Re: I sure hope this was a Modest Proposal (re: se Racer, posted by twinleaf on March 2, 2008, at 15:44:25

>
> In thinking over what I might say, the first thing that comes to my mind is "why?" is your husband uninterested, even averse, to sex? Has he permitted an in-depth exploration of this in your marriage counseling? If desire is absent, couldn't he do other things short of intercourse?

I think I gave up on talking about it as part of marriage counseling. No matter what I said, what our marriage counselor said, he never once said that he'd make any effort to change things -- only gave what he calls "reasons" why he couldn't do anything about it. As a result, we finally agreed that we'd stop marriage counseling in favor of him seeing a therapist on his own. It turned out that he's seeing our marriage counselor for individual, and every so often I go in, too, for a marriage session. But I get the feeling she's getting an up close and personal view of the rock which is atop my husband's neck.

> I know that you are in your early 40's, and more than one person here has met you and said that you were beautiful.

Which is very generous of them, and feels very good to hear. (Note to anyone who said that -- thank you. What's your rate for ego-massage? I'll gladly double it.) It's hard for me to take in these days, and part of me is screaming, "It doesn't matter a damn what you look like, because your husband doesn't want to touch you!" That's part of the problem -- even if I did leave that low door in the wall unlocked, even standing open, it still wouldn't be the same. It still wouldn't be as fulfilling as having a proper marital relationship with my husband. It would be fraught with feelings of insecurity, guilt, fear of being caught, etc. And fear of feeling too much for the other man, when my goal really is to stay married to the man I married.

Sorry -- I'm sounding negative, aren't I? For what it's worth, the linen line came to me at the Clarins counter in Nordstrom the other day, as I was asking for eye cream. The sales woman liked it, and asked if she could use it, too. I'm generous -- told her I was happy to share it. I do have some sense of humor about this -- but the sex drought has been going on for years now. And I am reaching my limits, but don't know what to do.

I feel very trapped -- if I give an ultimatum, I have to hold to it, and that means it has to be something I can live with. I don't want to leave him, which severely limits my options. "If you don't satisfy my sexual needs, I will" -- do what? Stop waxing my legs? He'd never notice. Sleep with someone else? That feels too dangerous to me -- that if I said that, he'd find the option behind door number three: leaving me. And I don't want that.

So, I feel trapped...

Thanks for answering. I don't know if there's anything in this post that makes any sense at all, but I did hear your words, and will consider them. The hell of it all is that I want that door open -- I want to hire a billboard, for crying out loud: "Racer is Ready! C'mon down!" I want to have my sexual needs met, and I want the opportunity to do so. I can't think of a way to do so without hurting my husband and my marriage.

Bah. What I really hate is that I'm the one suffering, and he's the one who has all the control over this issue...


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