Posted by muffled on January 2, 2007, at 23:09:15
In reply to Re: falling apart » muffled, posted by wishingstar on January 2, 2007, at 22:13:35
I guess what I meant about today was just about the connection... I felt like I was talking to some stranger on the streets. That kind of uncomfortable. It's because I'm shutting down and pushing her away. I know that for sure.
:( My T used an analogy once, that I have a bunch of coats on to keep me safe, and in T, I take some coats off now and again, but then i freak, and put them all back on again...
I dunno, I know I have had that sort of feeling with my T.
Separating myself from her.
To the point where I could think to myself that I truly wouldn't care if I never saw her again, if fact she is kind of annoying, and I don't even like her...etc
But I want to be well...and so i go back...
> I'm thinking a little bit about calling and leaving a message and just saying she doenst need to call me back, it's not a crisis, but that I'm not okay at all. Just a few sentences. Enough that I know it'll come up on Thurs and I wont be able to back out of it. I'm going to decide tomorrow morning. I get scared to do things like that though because I did it with anne a few times and she always told me it was wrong... I dont know.**Wrong for what reason?
But I like the part where you can't back out of it!!!!
Man, I have done that sort of thing a few times, and there's times my T has utterly missed the whole point entirely! So don't expect miracles....
>
> Ginny would just die if I showed up with bright colored hair. I'm pretty conservative in clothing, hair, etc... I've never worn makeup in my life!*is there a secondhand clothing store around your area? Mebbe you could put together a 'power' outfit for yourself! It would be fun! Or go to one of those places where you can get realistic fake tatoos! WTF eh!!
>
> I'm okay with taking time and waiting for a relationship to form. But I guess my fear is... I can feel her forming ideas in her head, putting things together, feeling like shes getting it.. I can feel the relationship from her end and I'm acting as a player in it.. but I'm not feeling it. It's an act. I have to be friendly and sociable because thats how I always am in public, and I think I'm fooling her. But I dont know how to stop. Maybe that very thing is the real problem.**I started out that way in T. But now I just act really weird.
Yeah, breaking free. Hmmm. Trying to think of a way out of this....mebbe take her this very post, its actually quite a good one. I have done that.
Does your t have a secure fax or e-mail?
>
> I know Ginny is a good therapist, and I know she'll be there when I need her. She has made many offers to be there outside sessions - even over christmas if I needed her for a phone call. She has given me every reason in the world to trust her. I wouldnt know how to test her even if I wanted to.**Shes given you every reason to trust her........
But for people like us....its NOT ENOUGH. No way is it enough. For me, thats where the testing helped alot. I think testing can take the form of you thinking of a very pointed question to ask your T, and seeing if she is honest with you about it. I think I asked my T on the phone if I was a pain in the *ss. It was hard to say, but I blurted it. She didn't say no! LOL!!!! She said I could be a challenge....hmmmm. I squeezed her on that one some!LOL! Actually it was hard and hurtful at the time, but by working thru it, there was some trust built.
And one time I did actually make her mad (not that she will EVER admit it), and it was scarey, but we worked that out mostly too, and more trust was built.
And I called her a DB in a fax and she called it manipulative(she may have been somewhat peeved bout that one too!). And there was hurt feelings, and fear. But she still didn't dump me. We worked thru it. And more trust was built....
So I guess the thing is, that for me, it all very well and good for a T to talk the talk, but she got to WALK the WALK, before I can trust at all. AND I got to see it thru my OWN eyes as it were. No second hand stuff.
>
> I think I'm just going to have to leave a message before Thurs. I think that's the best. Put myself in a situation I cant talk my way out of in the moment. Ahhhh.**Ya you go girl!
Pretend your muffled!
You can even weird her out and say, 'this is muffled...oooops! And then say your thing!
Really, you goto pity my poor T. LOL! Actually she just melts me. She's nice. Hell, she puts up w/me!
Mebbe I should think on this and write a book 'how to test your T-101 ways" LOL.
Take care, I having fun, but I know its hard, just sometimes thats how I can do stuff, i make like its a big joke and just do it....sometimes it works..
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:718579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/718739.html