Posted by muffled on January 2, 2007, at 20:15:19
In reply to Re: falling apart » muffled, posted by wishingstar on January 2, 2007, at 18:13:53
> I'm definitely having trouble bonding with Ginny. No question about it. I felt uncomfortable even talking to her.
**Well, if its any consolation I STILL feel uncomfortable talking to my T unless its surface stuff. I just not good at talking bout myself, makes me EXTREEMLY uncomfortable. I rarely even look at her. Everyonce in awhile she gets me to sorta look at her or take off my hat, but mostly she doesn't, cuz I think she feels like she torturing me or something!
>You're probably right that it has something to do with Anne and the bad situation there.
*Maybe in part, its also proly bout lifelong trust issues...
>Either way she wasnt perfect, but I wonder how much of what happened was because I set her up for it. I dont know.
**Maybe, maybe not, but she was supposed to be a trained T, I think she could have handled things better...
>
> Ginny has fairly loose boundaries. She tells me about her kids and we talk about general life stuff occasionally. She'd probably go for a walk if I asked her. I dont know. It isnt really the greatest area for a walk though.. just a bunch of medical offices on a pretty busy road.**I met my T at a special place I like to walk, and we walked there. Though we also go for walks in the neighborhood too. Sometimes my T drives us to a nearby park to walk.
>
> This may sound odd, but I wish I could do what you did. I wish I could at least send mean faxes or dress in a way that expressed something or anything at all.*Well, you COULD send mean faxes!!! Thats the joy of faxes, so EASY to send, then GACK!!! Too late!!!!Or do Poets fling and dash method.....
Hate to say it, but I actually dress that way most of the time....and I have ALWAYS packed a knife since I was very young.
Mebbe you could dye your hair a wild color? Just semipermanent?>Instead, I show up and act all friendly and enjoyable no matter how badly I'm feeling.
**HEY! Thats what I do!!! My T says how was your week, I ALWAYS say 'fine', and just sit there....
>I cant stop. I ask her about her kids. She told me they went to Chuck-e-cheese last week. I'm happy for them.
**Ahhh, another of my ploys.....getting my T to talk bout OTHER stuff, so I don't got to talk bout me! One glorious session I got her talking bout something for damn near the whole session!!!ROFL! She saw the time and I was just SMILING away!!!LOL!
But more recently I been 'chatting' very little, and either saying nothing, or not a whole lot. My poor T has to work SO hard.>But internally I'm just falling apart and even though I sometimes say that in intellectual words, there is never any emotion in the room. Sorry, rambling.
**Well I rarely show emotion, other than fear I guess...I never ever cry. I won't get mad at her to her face either.
I just keep sending crazy faxes which she sometimes 'gets', and sometimes doesn't. Though nowadays she does 'get' them more.
I am not allowed to show weakness, so mebbe its partly due to that for me. Emotions=weakness to me.
>
> I'm afraid that trust isnt building. I feel like we're at a stand-still. I think the way I do things leads therapists to think everything is working well, and even when I verbally say it isnt, the point doesnt always come across. The depth of it never comes out. I dont know how to let it out. I'm afraid if I only went once a week I'd pull even further away.**What I was thinking with the once a week thing, was to take some prssure of yourself and your T to 'perform' up to some invisible standard. Just ease up a bit and take some time to form a stronger relationship with your T, cuz you haven't known her for that long.
My T used to miss what I was saying in my faxes ALL THE TIME. I couldn't understand how she could not understand...
But apparently communication is more than wordsa, its body language and tone too, even more so than words. But my T is finally seeming to understand my words better. And we work with what I have written, rather than try and have me say a whole tone right there, cuz I just CAN'T.
>
> And now we're at this place where it almost feels too late to say "wait, you missed this HUGE thing". Like when you dont know someones name after a few meetings and it's too late to ask comfortably, you know? I know that isnt logically true in therapy, but it feels that way.
>
**But its not too late WS. Not at all. My T actually don't know alot of stuff, even stuff I have written, cuz she's just not understood. But its getting better. Its just taken us this long time to develop some amt of trust, and understand each others very different communication styles.
What would be a way that you could 'test your T' that would work for you?
Or mebbe you already have?
I'm sure there's lots of ways.
Mine just happen to be particularly childish.
Now I'm the rambler!!!!
Hope you feel a little better. You situation does not seem strange to me at all. I think you just need to give it some time. Give yourself a break!
Take care,
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:718579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/718686.html