Posted by wishingstar on January 2, 2007, at 18:13:53
In reply to Re: falling apart » wishingstar, posted by muffled on January 2, 2007, at 17:31:06
Hi muffled.. thanks for responding.
I'm definitely having trouble bonding with Ginny. No question about it. I wrote a week or so ago about not feeling connected, but today... there was really just nothing. I felt uncomfortable even talking to her. It's just not there. You're probably right that it has something to do with Anne and the bad situation there. But lately I'm wondering if maybe I had more responsibility in what went wrong than I've previously been admitting. Either way she wasnt perfect, but I wonder how much of what happened was because I set her up for it. I dont know.
Ginny has fairly loose boundaries. She tells me about her kids and we talk about general life stuff occasionally. She'd probably go for a walk if I asked her. I dont know. It isnt really the greatest area for a walk though.. just a bunch of medical offices on a pretty busy road.
This may sound odd, but I wish I could do what you did. I wish I could at least send mean faxes or dress in a way that expressed something or anything at all. Instead, I show up and act all friendly and enjoyable no matter how badly I'm feeling. I cant stop. I ask her about her kids. She told me they went to Chuck-e-cheese last week. I'm happy for them. But internally I'm just falling apart and even though I sometimes say that in intellectual words, there is never any emotion in the room. Sorry, rambling.
I'm afraid that trust isnt building. I feel like we're at a stand-still. I think the way I do things leads therapists to think everything is working well, and even when I verbally say it isnt, the point doesnt always come across. The depth of it never comes out. I dont know how to let it out. I'm afraid if I only went once a week I'd pull even further away.
And now we're at this place where it almost feels too late to say "wait, you missed this HUGE thing". Like when you dont know someones name after a few meetings and it's too late to ask comfortably, you know? I know that isnt logically true in therapy, but it feels that way.
thank you for your thoughts muffled. im sorry to ramble.
poster:wishingstar
thread:718579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/718622.html