Posted by wishingstar on January 2, 2007, at 22:13:35
In reply to Re: falling apart » wishingstar, posted by muffled on January 2, 2007, at 20:15:19
We should share tricks sometime... :) just kidding. Sounds like we do a lot of the same self-defeating things.
I expect therapy to be uncomfortable.. in fact, I dont feel lke I'm working if it's comfortable all the time. I guess what I meant about today was just about the connection... I felt like I was talking to some stranger on the streets. That kind of uncomfortable. It's because I'm shutting down and pushing her away. I know that for sure.
And yes, youre definitely right that it's lifelong trust issues, not just Anne. I was neglected growing up and have some serious issues with abandonment by my parents. It's a big theme for me.
I'm thinking a little bit about calling and leaving a message and just saying she doenst need to call me back, it's not a crisis, but that I'm not okay at all. Just a few sentences. Enough that I know it'll come up on Thurs and I wont be able to back out of it. I'm going to decide tomorrow morning. I get scared to do things like that though because I did it with anne a few times and she always told me it was wrong... I dont know.
Ginny would just die if I showed up with bright colored hair. I'm pretty conservative in clothing, hair, etc... I've never worn makeup in my life!
I'm okay with taking time and waiting for a relationship to form. But I guess my fear is... I can feel her forming ideas in her head, putting things together, feeling like shes getting it.. I can feel the relationship from her end and I'm acting as a player in it.. but I'm not feeling it. It's an act. I have to be friendly and sociable because thats how I always am in public, and I think I'm fooling her. But I dont know how to stop. Maybe that very thing is the real problem.
I know Ginny is a good therapist, and I know she'll be there when I need her. She has made many offers to be there outside sessions - even over christmas if I needed her for a phone call. She has given me every reason in the world to trust her. I wouldnt know how to test her even if I wanted to.
I think I'm just going to have to leave a message before Thurs. I think that's the best. Put myself in a situation I cant talk my way out of in the moment. Ahhhh.
poster:wishingstar
thread:718579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/718727.html