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falling apart

Posted by wishingstar on January 2, 2007, at 16:19:12

I feel bad even posting this because it doesnt have any particular topic or anythings, it's just me whining. I'm sorry. I dont know where else to go.

I'm falling apart. I hurt so bad. I've been on the verge of tears all day and the worst part about it is I know that until I change, this isnt going away. But it's scary and it's hard and most importantly, I dont know how, even if I wanted to.

I saw Ginny this morning. As much as I love Ginny (I really do), it was a waste of time. We talked about my Christmas/birthday, medication, my spoiled brother and how mad he makes me... nothing new. I did get the sense she was trying to push for feelings a little more... for ahwile she pushed and pushed to get me to tell her more about what it feels like to be emotionally removed (as I am when I visit my family) from a situation. I just didnt have an answer. It's fine. It's just... removed. I stupidly assumed that she'd mention the conversation at the end of our last session before Christmas where I said I was feeling like I did with Anne, didnt feel like things were going right, etc. She said that maybe if things didnt work shed help me find a new T who fit better. Hello, abandonment issues. She didnt mention any of that today. I should have, but I didnt. Usually she never lets things go, so maybe she forgot. I dont know. I should have brought it up.

During the session I was telling her I'd stopped taking my meds (my pdoc told me to) and I wanst sure if I wanted to try another one. I tried to tell her that I'm just done.. emotionally I'm just done. I cant try one more thing and have it fail. At least if I'm not trying I'm not failing. It hurts 10 times more to try and fail than to fail because you didnt try. I've failed too many times and I dont have any more energy to put into this anymore.

Until I learn how to say what I want to say and ask for what I need, I'm just screwed. Nothing will get better. And I dont know how. I really, truly dont. I'm not trying to play games. I just dont know what to say. But it hurts so bad. Going to therapy and talking about things that feel so surface level to me makes me feel worse, but that isnt the therapists fault. She cant read my mind and I know that. But I cant do any better. I'm thinking it might be time for a therapy break. I'm thinking about cancelling on Thursday to take some time to think about it (I usually go tues and thurs, but next tues is cancelled too).

I dont know why I'm posting this. There isnt any advice anyone can give me because I know what the answer is. Tell her what I need. Tell her how I'm feeling. No one can help me otherwise. But I cant. I just cant do this anymore.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:wishingstar thread:718579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/718579.html