Posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 18:40:23
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by ElaineM on December 25, 2006, at 22:47:17
> I know exactly what you mean. It's painful for me to read posts about T's who say and do the "right" things, are sensitive, etc.
Yeah. And actually, my therapist does sometimes get it right, but there are certain things I really *really* want him to get right and it hurts so much when he doesn’t.
> Often I can't tolerate it so I end up avoiding threads like that.
Oh, that’s interesting! I do the opposite. I read threads like that because I sometimes like to imagine those same words being said in my therapist’s voice. Sometimes I can imagine having therapeutic conversations with ‘Bert’ and in my imagination he knows what to say.
> Two years is a long time to be waiting for even a sign that something could be ultimately beneficial for you. It must feel like forever.
I think I’ve been too critical of him. He has been great in many ways. But there’s this one thing he seems unable to help me with. And unfortunately I’ve come to believe it’s essential if I’m to make further progress.
> I understand. I don't know what to say. The only thing I tell myself is that even when I think that staying makes me deplorably weak, there is one "weaker" position that I'm one step up from -- denial. And I'm refusing to delude myself that everything is fine and perfect, by admitting that I do know things are not ideal and *should* be changed. At least that's a first step in the right direction. It is still a fairly new thing for me to be able to say that YES something is wrong, and YES it'd likely be healthier for me without him. There's still a wide gap between *knowing* and *doing*, I know, but a small start is still an improvement. Do you feel some strength in being able to at least have the *knowing* part right now?
That makes a lot of sense! It’s absolutely true that feelings and thoughts don’t always match. If we could always match our feelings to our thoughts we probably wouldn’t need therapy, eh? I will try to focus on the knowing for a while; you’re right that it’s better than denial.
> Maybe not a "good enough" reason, but undeniably, a very powerful one. Why? Shared time together, disclosed secrets, familiarity. Because change is scary. Because being alone is. Because starting all over from scratch is a tough commitment to undertake. Because unrequited and/or unsolicited feelings are painful. Because sometimes "bad" exchanges seem better than none at all. Because it's hard to accept than no matter how bad we want someone to change for our better, it can still have no influence on the others behaviour. And hard cause I guess there's always the lingering feeling that, If I only wait one more...two more....six more months things could turn out how I want -- and it's hard to let go of that kind of hope.
Yeah, and bad exchanges make me want to behave badly. I want to phone him at home, send him emails, and generally contact him in between sessions, which he doesn’t encourage…
> I don't think that anyone can change a T's technique or personal perceptions, their psychological issues, or their personality -- even if we try, even if we want to. Even if I do. If you?
I don’t think I want to change anything fundamental about him. But maybe he would consider this kind of thing fundamental. Of course, I have no idea. All I know is that he claims to be working psychodynamically with me, which prompts transference, and then he doesn’t seem to want to work with the transference. I don’t know if that’s fundamental. I didn’t think it was, but maybe it is.
> A wise b-friend told me to remember to try and not judge myself harsher than any other babbler -- (((((wise b-friend))))))-- So be gentle with yourself.
Thanks. I’ll try!
> Hope you had a little bit of Christmas happy.
Yeah, Christmas was actually very nice. A year ago my mother-in-law was in a serious accident, and she (and my father-in-law) came over for Christmas, so we were celebrating the fact that she’s still alive!
I hope your Christmas was peaceful.