Posted by Daisym on December 27, 2006, at 19:15:06
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » dessbee, posted by Tamar on December 27, 2006, at 16:27:50
****I have never heard of secondary gain before, so I don't know exactly what you mean, but I'm guessing you're saying I'm hoping my therapist will comfort me or something like that. Have I understood you correctly?
>>>Secondary gains come in when you get something from a behavior that on the surface you want to extinguish. It falls along side the co-dependent stuff - and why in systems therapy the whole family is likely to try to keep the system in equilibrium thus resisting change, even good change. Freud talked about it as negative attention and we still talk with parents about this concept. All that said, I don't think you are staying with this therapist due to any secondary gains, I think you've been clear that your primary motivator *is* your attachment.
****I definitely *wish* my therapist would comfort me, but I don't *expect* him to comfort me. What I'd like is to be able to talk about that desire for comfort. I can understand him avoiding any gratification of my wish for comfort, but I don't understand why he avoids discussing it. Avoidance of the discussion doesn’t minimize my investment in the desire for comfort.
>>>>OK, I don't get this. I know it is common for therapists to avoid "gratification" especially of archaic needs, but isn't feeling better the primary reason people go to therapy? And of course you want your therapist to provide security and comfort, even if it is "just" in their presence. I've just finished rereading "A General Theory of Love" and I am reminded of his thoughts on therapy. He makes the case that we imprint our specific therapist, if it is the right one, and that the attachment is not interchangeable. And he talks about limbic connections, and how important it is to give the relationship time to grow and influence our perceptions of the world. No matter how badly we want to speed up the process, you just can't. Emotional change is an excruciatingly slow process and tons of hard, painful work. We can totally understand why we react the way we do, and where it came from, and yet time after time, we continue to react the same way. We haven't shifted our emotional encyclopedia; we still decode everything from our personal historical version.I think research has shown over and over again that it isn't the type of therapy that effects change as much as it is the relationship and connectedness between the therapist and the patient. Relationships take time and proximity. When I get twisted up (like I did today) about how much time I spend talking about therapy itself, instead of my "real" issues, my therapist always says in sort of an exasperated way, "Daisy - this IS what you should be talking about. Accepting that you need me and allowing me to help, IS your therapy."
I'm glad you are going to write about what you want to say. I think it will help.
poster:Daisym
thread:716231
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/716773.html