Posted by Tamar on December 27, 2006, at 16:27:50
In reply to Re: why can't I leave therapy? » Tamar, posted by dessbee on December 27, 2006, at 12:46:00
> I get the feeling you are looking for secondary gain in your therapy. It is tough being depressive since many symptoms of depression makes you look for someone that will comfort you. Most professional therapists are aware of secondary gain and will avoid it some way or another. The problem seems to be that it is persistent, which may explain why you can't leave therapy.
I have never heard of secondary gain before, so I don't know exactly what you mean, but I'm guessing you're saying I'm hoping my therapist will comfort me or something like that. Have I understood you correctly?
I definitely *wish* my therapist would comfort me, but I don't *expect* him to comfort me. What I'd like is to be able to talk about that desire for comfort. I can understand him avoiding any gratification of my wish for comfort, but I don't understand why he avoids discussing it. Avoidance of the discussion doesn’t minimise my investment in the desire for comfort.
> Considering you had a bad relationship with your father, maybe secondary gain would be less of a problem if you had a female therapist.
Well, my relationship with my mother hasn't been ideal either...
> I think your therapy should focus on CBT in order to deal with how you think about the unhealthy relationship with your father.
I did CBT before (with the same therapist) and I found it useful for my feelings of incompetence at work and for problems in current relationships, but I didn't find it so useful for the past problems with my father. In fact, my therapist seemed to think (when I came back for more therapy) that the best approach for me was psychodynamic therapy. I'm sure he had his reasons for that.
> You need to look at who your father is/was and try to find a cognitive way of accepting his flaws. This is the hard part, a good therapist will help you find those thoughts so you can move on in life.
I agree that finding a cognitive way of accepting my father's flaws is difficult. However, I have pretty much done that work and have repaired my relationship with my father. The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is repairing the damage that was done to me psychologically when things were very bad with my father... the way his bullying and neglect had shaped my perspective on other relationships, for example.
I've wanted to consider my attachment to my therapist and my experience of transference a therapeutic opportunity (even if it's an opportunity that I can't seem to make much of at the moment). I'm interested that you don't seem to see things that way. On what basis would you decide whether CBT or psychodynamic therapy is best for a particular person? What’s your theoretical perspective? I’m curious about why you think I should do CBT instead of psychodynamic work.
Thanks for your thoughts on all this.
poster:Tamar
thread:716231
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/716729.html