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Day 7 - my last day

Posted by wishingstar on November 9, 2006, at 19:24:49

In reply to Re: day 6 (long) wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on November 7, 2006, at 21:01:50

Yesterday was my last day of partial. I've been really busy and feeling very sad since then so I'm just now able to post about it.

There isnt a lot to say. It went pretty much like all the other days. I did feel a little more of a connection with Randy - of course on the last day, right? He was calling me "crazy banana person" because I was wearing socks with monkeys and bananas on them... and the attention felt so good. I guess it made me feel like he realized I was there, if that makes any sense.

I spend most of afternoon group on the verge of tears but held it back. After that ended, I went in Randys office to do the discharge paperwork and broke down. He asked me to rate my mood on a scale from 1-10 for the paperwork (its a pre-post comparison) and I started crying and couldnt answer him. I think it was just the fact that I was feeling so incredibly sad and was leaving partial knowing that it hadnt worked and I was on my own again. He stood up to give me a hug and said come here, and I refused, so he came and sat next to me on the couch. He put one arm around me and rubbed my back and the other hand on my hands and I just cried. I know he talked, but I'm not even sure what he said. I know he said that I'd be able to open up again and not to worry, he'd seen it happen before for me, etc etc... He also told me to come back and visit him. I dont know if he really meant that or just said it, but I may do it in a few weeks or so. We'll see. He has this little bowl of colored rocks that have words written on them (hope, believe, love, etc) and he gives everyone one when they get discharged. Last time I chose "hope". Yesterday I told him I just couldnt connect to any of them and for him to choose. He gave me "believe" and he told me he wants me to hang on to it. I'm almost in tears even typing about it. Just so many emotions tied up in this.

So I'm done with partial now. Obviously it wasnt the same experience as last time. I saw Ginny this morning and fought tears most of the hour. I think I might make a post about it below after I think it out more.. it had to do with Anne. Ginny and Anne talked. But I'm glad I have her (Ginny of course). I think it'll work out.

I'm just terrified I'm going to feel like this forever. I spoke to Laurie on the phone today and she encouraged me to go back to inpatient, but I told her no way. There is really no "treatment" there - its just a holding place. And I HATED it. Not again. I guess I'm just going to try this twice a week thing with Ginny (Ive always done once a week in the past) and see.

I think I'm going to send Randy a thank you card. I wanted to do it last time, but never did. Even though it didnt really help this time, that wasnt his fault. He really is a good, caring person and a good counselor.


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