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please explain me and this **trigs ED, SI...?

Posted by ElaineM on October 25, 2006, at 21:14:40

Dentist was supposed to check his tooth a week ago and still hadn't called and my jaw is still throbbing. I called and left a message and they didn't call back today either.
It's been three days and CrisislineLady still hasn't got back to me. She said before, "feel free to contact me anytime - we're here to help". I give up with these places. All they do is get the tiny bit of hope I have left up and then leave it to fall. Again. Again. They have NO idea how long it took me to contact these places that everyone suggests. Just like before. Just like always. There is no one to help because no one really gives a sh*t.

Things are so messed up. Stuff is going on in sessions that I know aren't normal. But then T does something incredibly generous and helpful - especially because I don't have a physician right now. He takes care of things I couldn't have organized myself. But then there's all the other stuff that is making me even more insane than I am. And something I'm finding really hard is that I can read stuff on the board about what other T's have said or done, and my T *has* done and said those things, and they felt like nothing. But then when people say that that was good of the T it gets me really confused. Or if people say that they wish their T did/said that it makes me really panic cause I feel like I'm missing something. Or misjudging things. I mean, am I just dead inside? Is my heart cold. But something else that's confusing me is that sometimes during these past few sessions I've also kinda been wanting T to do "something" - there's this disgusting urge, this feeling that I need, or want, to do this. That's so disgusting. I'm such a f*cking pervert. WTF is going on in my effed up head?! I would die if that happened - I think - I don't know. I don't understand why my disgusting head is making me feel like I should act this way right now. (he's not even doing anything) I don't know ANYTHING anymore.

I also am having a hard time being triggered (though I don't like using that word, I don't think it's appropriate for what I'm describing) by nearly everything. I've had another elevator freak out. A guy ran to catch the door before it closed (and I would've been alone inside). And just him running in with such force felt like he was chasing me or something. I so almost stuck my hand in the door before it closed on us so I could run out. And I spent the whole time fighting the urge to not start screaming. When I got off at my floor I had to sit in the bathroom stall for awhile. It felt safe that you could lock the door - even though the stalls are open at the top and bottom.
But not just man stuff, my emotions are getting very very sensitive to any emotional stimulii. Like even reading strong feelings of others can just have my level turn up and go through the roof. I cry so often and then as tears are dying down I drift into that zombie stare where if you let your head catch onto a phrase or word it just starts repeating in your head louder and louder. It's like trancy or something. And silence sounds like loud feedback. It happened when I was trying to take a shower without falling over, and I cut myself (I'm pretty sure by accident) with my razor. The only thing that makes me wonder is where it is. I worry I'm gonna start not knowing when I do it. But part of me wants that to be happening again. I can't stop hurting. I've not been so bad in so long.

I finally have my ultrasound this Fri and I'm sure that the lab technician will see marks. They're gonna see and hate me. I already think it's gonna make me go crazy cause one's a gross ultrasound. And I'm going out of my mind worrying that the technician is gonna be a man. I think I'll either run out the door, or kick him and start screaming. Even if he seemed gentle and nice my head would tell me that it was a trick. They would only assign female to a female, right? Or do normal people not care about that sort of thing. I can't describe how much I'm dreading this.

I can feel a pain flare-up starting. It's bad when both happen together. Today I was just sitting in a silent blob on the couch and I told T that I want to die - I've been fighting the pain from this illness every single day for nearly a year. I have nothing worth living for. Nothing makes me happy. And he said that maybe I should work hard to lose weight!!! I had the bubble-head feeling and my hearing started whooshing in my ears. I stammered out, "Do you think so?". And he said that it could be good. I started silent-crying cause I've never heard anybody say that to me before since AN!! It's always been the opposite! I've just never ever heard that! Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's crushing to me. I told him that I CAN'T do it like that anymore (from being ill now)(which I was already so ashamed about) and he said that I can re-train myself. I want to just die! Did my new fatness make me get this other illness? He said that I've always said that I felt good and healthy when I was AN (which I did/do think), and now I am opposite, so he said he'd be a liar if he tried to pretend that some people aren't just happier when they keep their weight low. God I just can't believe that he said that. He's no stranger to ED's. He knows every single facet of my history. He even had me bring in pictures of my lowest before.

But maybe it's true. I know he wants me to be happy and not suicidal, so this must be true. I'm just so humiliated cause I really don't think I have it in me to do it - even if I wanted. I'm such a f*cking fat loser dumb bitch. I can't even do the only thing I was good at before. I confessed to him that I just can't, I want to but I can't, exercise at all being like this so I'd have to eat nothing for months to see anything. I said that I should just do coke with bro instead. And he said, "Would the side effects help? Could you handle it?" I know he wasn't endorsing it, but these reactions are just blowing me out of the f*cking water. I hate myself. We started talking about me wanting help to die, and he said that he remembers me asking that of him before, and he asked again if it would help if I knew that if I got that desperate that he would. I don't know what he was going to say - I changed the subject back to a plan for me to lose weight. And then for the last 15mins he suddenly switched to talking about his stuff again. Though I think it was cause he thought talking about all my bad stuff is bad for me, and wanted to make me in a lighter mood.

I'm losing any motivation I have left for anything. I don't want to fight for my health - I lie in bed and think of never leaving to beg another doctor to take me. Done with tests and xrays and bloodwork. I don't want to fight for my mind. I want to let whatever is happening happen. Nobody gets it. there's nobody. no one's listening or gives a sh*t. safety nets are gone - weren't even there in the first place. you are only as visable as your worst symptom. my health is not coming back - and no one's even trying to figure out what to do. i will not go to the hospital like family who went their and never left. dentist will not even help me have my mouth be one part of my body that's pain free - even though I've given so much money. i can't stand it. i cry so hard i start wretching. these two helplineladies knew why i was calling - i told them the basic everything. I guess it's not that big a deal. I mean, it can't be or WHY!! Where are they!!?! I overreact I'm crazy i don't need help for real. I feel like a pathetic fool for thinking that all you have to do is ask for it and it comes. i want to die - i want to know when I will be brave enough. I never am. Today will just repeat over and over forever. I want to let SI take over. Every single part of me is tired and I'm going crazy, and my heart is going to burst. what to do. Help me know what to do!!! please. i can't stand this all never stopping.




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:ElaineM thread:697776