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trying to know, knowing I don't » caraher

Posted by ElaineM on October 29, 2006, at 13:03:56

In reply to (((El))) *** violence/suicide triggers ***, posted by caraher on October 28, 2006, at 20:48:41

>>>>I really think you need to refuse to let the conversation take the course your "T" wants it to take after only 15 minutes on you ESPECIALLY when he won't see a real T himself!

I just don't know how. By the time he switches, I've already used up whatever words I feel I need to say, and am sitting it awkward silence. It's not like I'm in the middle of a train of thought or anything. I just don't have anything further to say. I say physical and psychological symptoms I have, what I feel at the moment, and usually stuff about wanting someone to kill me. Then sometimes tears, and then silence. And then he switches. I don't know how to tell him what to say, or how to run a session, or what I need, cause I don't know ANY of that myself. i can say that I need more support, but what does that mean?! I need to give him concrete examples, but there are none. He can't take away anything that's wrong with me. I don't know what a different T would do.

He hasn't given up T entirely. He does have the follow up and i asked him that if he seems to need more once that meeting rolls around, if he felt he would be able to ask for *more* frequency. He said yes. And he's really doing alot more when we talk now. We're making a list of what needs to be said to his T. I've decided that pushing him to mention me makes him too defensive and discouraged. So I'm pushing on working on the stuff behind me. He seems to be making progress in uncovering stuff. It's at a really basic level, at an outlining stage, but it's a start. I just find it very tiring and extremely difficult to guess at how to do this. I'm recycling stuff that's been directed at me. I'm reading articles and books on what he's said are his problems. I'm trying to understand more about what T's think about seeing other T's so I can help more with that. I'm trying to say the right things to prompt deeper answers or self-reflecting (though it's probably way too early for that), and not just yes and no answers. [I'm trying to say this in a really superficial way cause I don't feel comfortable exposing specifics of his life and history. I already feel like I'm betraying his confidence in the most horrible way but...] I'm trying to think logically, but it's very panic-creating when I find my brain frantically trying to stay one step ahead of his responses, and think on my feet, and pulling smart things out of nowhere, and still be sensitive, when I'm cutting myself, and my health is so poor, and my own mind so unstable. How do you help someone else with *their* life when you want to end your own??? And I try to not let my age and gender influence my interpretations of what he talks about - I find that quite hard actually, but if I stay aware of it, I usually just hold back a too-personal response. I'm trying very very hard but I'M NOT TRAINED. I feel like a child trying to guide a blind bear through an obstacle course that I'm terrified of myself! I've taken a couple courses in university that involved mental illnesses, but please that's absolutely NOTHING. I'm not a student of Clin.Psy. THe best I know, is basically from MY OWN treatments - and that scares the sh*t out of me - for myself *and* for him.

But I'm hoping that if he can just get used to the idea of talking to someone about his own stuff, if I can help him to see that there's not just "nothing" for him to bring to sessions of his own, but TONS. If he can experience someone caring about his stuff and letting him be vulnerable (which is a joke of a thing for me to say. I want to kick the sh*t out of my two-faced self for spewing his stuff all over here while leading him to believe that I'm safe), if he can stay motivated until the appointment comes, then I think he'll commit to a more consistent and frequent schedule with his T, and then will begin to limit his stuff to his own sessions.

It is terribly hard for me to discourage him from speaking and sharing even if technically it is not appropriate, cause I know, I can feel, that this part of him has been hidden and ignored and pushed away out of some stoic professional shame. And a history of denying and avoiding intense emotions. Plus, he is going through a personal crisis right now. I understand completely how everything could be coming out right now. I can't tell him what's happening is wrong (even if I *was* assertive and brave and everything that's *not* me) cause it's not. It's the *right* thing, it's just happening with the *wrong* person. But I KNOW he would just shut-down completely, and destructively, if I criticized it in even the gentlest way. I will not do that. I can't. :'(

And I really worry that others might interpret what I've said as insulting or disrespectful of the T profession. Or that I think I'm smart, and can do from an armchair what others spend years of schooling and practise mastering. THe part that makes me so frantic is that I know I DON'T know anything. But I feel like it's come down to my sh*tty breadcrumbs of pretending to know - or absolutely nothing at all. I want this to have an end result of him staying with someone who *does* actually have the brain and the competence and experience. I just don't want people to be angry at me for trying my best in the situation.

>>>>I can't help but feel that he has some kind of weird control thing going on. It sometimes seems as if he wants to see how much he can get you do by alternating inappropriate requests with acts of kindness.

I just have a gut feeling it's not that. That he just wants to help so much, but doesn't know how. Maybe I just can't be helped. Maybe he doesn't realize he could be saying the wrong things. Maybe he's saying the right things and I need to trust that (that's what I'm thinking about the losing weight thing). He just MUST know what he's saying. It's too obvious to not make that suggestion to a recovering AN unless it was NEEDED for something else, unless it was the right thing that must be done.

Caraher (and anyone else who reads) I'm sorry. There's so much more you all don't know. So much more that would make all that's happening make sense - not in the sense that any of it's alright, but that it'd be more explainable. It's too personal to say, but it's there. I don't want to make him seem incompetent. He's not. He seems to treat his other patients effectively. He's very well schooled. He has ALOT of experience. He's respected by his peers. OThers know him (which also leaves me paralyzed and paranoid of speaking). I really think that a small part of what's triggering him is attempting a more nurturant-supportive approach - I think he's much more skilled and comfortable with the analytical style. [And again I feel like an a$$hole talking about all this, it's so obvious I'm trying so hard, and it sounds unsubstantiated and fake and ....?.....! Ahhhh! :"( ] I want you guys to give me ideas and tell me how to "mock-treat" him. I want instructions I can follow. But I know that's not gonna happen. And I know it's not fair to expect or hope that others can understand or help with the way everything effects me, without being given all the information. I just can't help asking for help anyways. :'( It's the worst rock and a hard place I've ever been in. *sigh*




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