Posted by ElaineM on October 29, 2006, at 20:45:10
In reply to Re: trying to know, knowing I don't » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on October 29, 2006, at 15:09:02
>>>Have you ever told him some of the stuff you've told us here? Things like- you REALLY want to be able to help, but you are terrified of saying the wrong thing?
Yes, I've told him that part. I appoligize at the end of every session by saying, I wish I could say better things or help more, but I don't really know about any of this. He says stuff like, Don't worry, I really appreciate everything you say, I think today I realized..., or sometimes only just a "you really amaze me". Sometimes he says "This isn't too much is it" or "You're not tired of this are you?" but I CAN'T really answer those questions. I couldn't. I can tell that he probably doesn't want me to say Yes.
>>>>>Could you tell him how bad you feel that there is something specific about you (Elaine) that is causing him to have all of these reactions? How guilty you feel that you have caused all of his problems?
Oh, I ALWAYS say this. There is something specific about me (that I don't want to go into) that I flat out told him (straight forward, and clearly) what I believe is triggering him. I even said "I'm triggering you" specifically. I told him that I feel bad that I've been unknowingly causing even more hurt just by being and talking about my own stuff. He has discounted the connection. I told him the day it became clear to me that "You MUST tell this to your T. It's a big deal." And he said that it wasn't really and that he didn't want to tell his T about it cause it would only make him sadder. But he's never said that *I* caused his problems. He is always thanking me so heartfeltly for listening. He thanks me for being willing to help, for putting up with hearing his stuff, and for being so understanding. ..... <:-(
>>>>>He probably wouldn't confide in you anymore if you kept on telling him dumb, stupid stuff either, or if you started saying hurtful things to him.
I'm not sure about that. I think he would. He's so unaccustomed to feeling listened to, to being the speaker, the one with all the focus on them, that I think he would think anything I said was alright, just cause I am listening and answering.
>>>>Can you survive a seismic change in the therapeutic relationship? One where your "T" walks in one day and says- listen, Elaine, I don't think it's appropriate for me to tell you about my personal problems. What if he were to change OVERNIGHT, and become the T that his other clients experience?
I want to not hear ALL his stuff. If I had to choose between all or nothing I'd pick nothing. But I always kinda liked when LadyT would throw in a small personal tidbit. It made me feel like she was listening, like I was more than just a hampster in a maze inside her office. She never did it often, but it made the therapy just a little bit more personalized. I don't think a T sharing, or wanting them to share a little sometimes about appropriate things is wrong.
To be perfectly honest, I have already being feeling rejected and confused when he doesn't try to touch me, even though I don't necessarily want that. How screwed up is that?! That I don't need to want the different behaviours, but would still miss them if they weren't there. Or miss what they stood for maybe. I dont' know. I have so many thoughts that my head is jammed.
The only change I know I couldn't ever take from a T would be if they were or went back to being strict, silent (or only repeating the same string of "I hear what you're saying.." lines, word for word, over and over, or the same detatched platitudes) blank-slates. I realize that analysis is more blank-slate, but I'm not strong enough for that, and I've spent enough of my life alone and only with my own thoughts, that that would drive me mad. That's what firstT was like, except for the times where she would have anger bursts, and the final hostile confrontation we had before I ran away and never went back.I do fear now that every T in the future will never seem caring because they have boundaries (even if they were similar to LadyT's). I already am judging my time with LadyT different based on how T is now, and what T-now thinks of her, and it. I'm terrified that everyone will always seem too far away. Or that once they hear about how this relationship has gone, they'll be afraid to be too nice to me, because of having had a T with not many boundaries at all.
>>>>Would you be devastated, thinking that he had found out that you had "betrayed" him (or some such nonsense- no confidentiality agreement demands YOUR silence!!!).
I *would* think those paranoid thoughts. I think all the time about how risky it is for me to post here. If he found out I wouldn't be able to tolerate myself. I woundn't.
>>>>>Would you be devastated that he decided that you weren't important enough or smart enough, or kind enough or whatever, for him to share his issues with you?
I want to say No, but now....maybe Yes. I wouldn't have noticed if it wasn't there in the first place, but now that it is I would definately notice it missing, and try and explain that in my head. I would blame it on everything I feel is wrong about myself. I'd re-analyze everything I said to figure out what changed everything. I'd regret every mistake I could find. *sigh*
Perhaps part of the problem is that I gave up on my own life years and year ago - before him, before AN - and so I've accepted being only a support for someone else. A thing, a maid, a typist, a cook...you get the point. But I don't really mind it. Since I'm not gonna amount to anything I like to facilitate others lives however they want me to. T has said before that he would have to be careful because I accept being used, but I guess he's forgotten, if using me is really what he's doing. I hate thinking that. I don't think he thinks he can "use" me because he sees me as a peer (in a way) - so it'd be more of a relying on eachother. So I know it sounds horrible to say but, I don't expect or want to be around in a year. I haven't for a long time. I remember since I was like 8 I've "known" that I would not live past 25yrs. But I have. I don't feel any connection to the world. I've been told I have a constant low grade depression with episodes of major depression - whatever that means. Inspite of all that I can still recognize the desire to experience as little suffering as possible. I suppose that's something. Or not. I'm not sure. I know that I felt more alive then I've ever been during certain meetings with LadyDoc or LadyT, and in program. I think that's something hopeful, right? .... Sorry, I'm trying to look but I've never been able to answer that "big picture" question before.
I'm doing my best <:-)
Thanks for explaining Li, I've never really thought about that stuff about losing T's loose boundaries. Actually, I have a feeling that that's gonna be a big part of what I'll need to work on at some point. This can't go on forever right? He'll leave me at some point :-( even if he says No now.
blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:697776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/698876.html