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Re: please explain me and this **ED » canadagirl

Posted by ElaineM on October 26, 2006, at 12:04:22

In reply to Re: please explain me and this **trigs ED, SI.. » ElaineM, posted by canadagirl on October 26, 2006, at 5:39:19

>>>This was just something I never ever expected. I've always been terrified of ever finding myself needing to contact places like that. <<<

>It's a scary thing to do. But you did it. You somehow found the strength.

I know. I'm not at all bothered by needing to now. I guess cause once you get to a certain place there's no point in fearing it happening - cause it already did. I just get really down that I have to resort to the last resorts. It makes me so sad that I have nothing else but those. I wouldn't call it strength, but *something* pushed me through the anxiety and embarassment of reaching out. I mean, I'm so afraid of people, especially on my own, that I can't even comprehend that I did it as many times as I have. Because of that, I just really really wanted it to make a difference.

>>Don't give up Elaine; take one day at a time. One hour at a time if that's all you can do. Pain can make us feel like that.

I do do that one hour thing. I wouldn't have made it to the spring if I let myself think too much of the horribleness that was waiting. An hour takes so long to pass when you have to approach life that way. It's strange - the last year has both felt like it was an enternity, and that life is just slipping away in the blink of an eye. I guess cause it's just been a waste. It's so woe-as-me but I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, "I've done my part! When is this gonna be enough?!!!" :""(

Oh god, I'm sorry. I just can't stop talking like such a downer. Every post just comes back to the same thing. I'm gonna push everyone away with my "Ya, buts..." I'm sorry, it does mean something to me when you answer.

>>> emailed back to see if he would make me a plan to lose weight, <<<
>>!!!!! is all I have to say to that. :-)

I just want to see where he goes with it. I had asked several months ago if he thought me losing weight would make a difference. And I guess he assumed that I meant for aesthetic reasons, and he said that he liked the way I looked just fine. I mentioned it once more briefly (cause my mind is just grasping at straws to figure this illness out, and make it controllable) and asked if he thought it would make a physical difference. Cause I don't remember feeling sick ever when I was AN. Only once I started recovering each time. Of course that *is* when the side-effects would be seen most. I know that part - by it's very very hard not to remember feeling "strong" and taking so much assault on my body and STILL being able to be a robot - when all the doctors were saying, Oh she's so sick, You're so unhealthy, You're making yourself ill! I never felt it then. So my dumb brain still connects thin to feeling healthier. I know how much I destoryed myself with that, but sometimes my head still has a hard time connecting the cause, to the after-effects. Plus, what I have now could've been building then and just hadn't manifested yet. Could've happened if I had never been anorexic at all.

When I wanted him to clarify if weight could maybe, tiniest possibility, make a difference to this now, I figured I'd get the same old lines. But now when HE was the one who mentioned it, and he knows the body, I assume that he must kinda know what he's talking about. I'm not a doctor. I know nothing about physiology other than the tiny ED-related part that I picked up by osmosis when in treatments. I can't believe he would suggest something so "dangerous" if there wasn't a small chance that it could be the right thing to try.

Honestly, I'm kinda praying that his answer is, "Whoa, what was I thinking. I must've been dumb yesterday. I change my mind." But if it's not, then I have to try it. I MUST just try. I asked him that if this is the right thing to do, if he'd tell me what to try to not hurt myself. Though, I know that I just don't have the body or mind resilience to have it be a risk at relapsing. I'm so so far from even being close to what would signal a potential relapse. Plus, I would never be so disrespectful of the body the way I was then. It's not possible for me to starve with my bones and bowels like this. I would never do it like that. I just want to please god find something to make a difference here. It doesn't even matter what I look like. It was never about that anyways. I never want to be like before. It's not about wanting that back. I just want to find a variable that makes a change in how my body is falling apart. Anyways, he hasn't got back yet.

>>>Take very good care of yourself today.

I did do something nice. I called my gram cause it's her birthday. She so old and precious. It's hard to help her understand more but I love when part of it connects. And she seems to like the staff there. I love her.




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