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Re: how is regular? (**child abuse trauma mild**) » ElaineM

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 26, 2006, at 22:00:13

In reply to how is regular? » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on October 26, 2006, at 16:31:53

> >>>>>The other reason why you feel no connection to him is because he doesn't feel SAFE to you.
> I'm sad that I think that's true. I don't feel in danger there, like he's gonna smack me or worse, but that he is not strong enough for me to be weak. But how can a person deeply care and NOT themselves be set off-balance and hurt when >another is feeling sad? How do you know if caring is real then? How can anyone feel safe that way? (I think I'll leave the rest of this idea for later)

There are SO many different levels of caring and support. If you feel something, then it's real-- that's the best you can do! You cannot force yourself to feel things. It's okay to admit to yourself that feelings change over time. Trust me- 10 feet away is the love of my life, and I feel kind of ambivalent. pretty numb. It's not ideal, but hey- that's what it is. I can't force it. But I will go cuddle with him in a little while and see if I feel something maybe through body language- because just looking and talking and laughing with him is not really making me feel connected. frustrating.
> I used to feel spooked that he would want to hold me so much, but that had started to subside. That's also why I had wanted him to return my last email so I could see if that's what he was trying to say he wanted to start up doing again, or not. (I wanted Not) But then if it would make him *feel* strong enough inside to appear stronger for me, maybe it would be worth it......

um. how would you respond to me if I wrote this?

>>Li, he said that it would make him feel better at least if I did let him hold me while I spoke....???.... :( He said, "So is that okay?" I know he's not liked here, but how do I sorta say No in a really really nice way. I know I don't need to "be nice" but if I don't feel that he wouldn't be hurt by my answer then I just won't be able to say anything. I feel bad using it like this, but would it be disrespectful for me to kinda use my ED history as an excuse, and say that I feel too fat to let him touch me. And then maybe I can say that only hugging before goodbye would help me.

That sounds reasonable- but what if he starts to try and "work" on that? It sounds like he doesn't have experience with ED, and he might totally say the wrong things?

How about if you say what you feel "For whatever reason, I'm not feeling very safe these days. I have a lot of anxiety, and I am getting triggered by things that usually don't bother me (like the elevator thing). I think it might be more comfortable for me if we can just have a quick hug when I leave."

> I need help with this part cause I'm supposed to go to him after my ultrasounds tomorrow. Help with this part please.

I am not much of a helper. I hope someone else has some ideas? I've never had to negotiate this with a guy, much less my T.

> >>>>The thinking "rational" part of you makes a decision to go to your sessions. The "feeling" part of you ties itself in a big inpenetrable knot and barely makes it through week after week.

you know, being a T is a really hard thing. Being My T has special challenges- in that I don't really have access to my feelings often, and when I do, they are often overwhelming, distressing, and out of control (in my opinion...). Being your T has challenges too. I think it's okay to admit that your T maay be a good guy. He may be a great T for some folks. He may even have been a great T for you- if you had met him in a couple of years. But he's a very poor T for you right now. You know that, but I'm appalled that he doesn't. When my exT realized just how much he was triggering my anxiety, and just how hard it was for me to feel safe to open up to him (Patient presented with study-skill problems... Patient terminated with intrusive flashbacks of recurrent child abuse) RIGHT. so, at that very SAME session- he picked up his calendar- gave me a phone number of my newT and told me that she had a lot of experience working with people who were going through things like this... And he had my best interests in mind. Even though I'm sure as a T it would have been lots of fun for him to go poking around in my subconscious to see what other delights were lurking there.

Like I said, it's a demanding profession. He's not a complete loser if your "t" is not up to the challenge. I hope you can find someone who is, 'cause you deserve more. It sounds like you're at a point in your treatment where you need less challenge and more support.

your long-winded friend,




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