Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 8:27:27
In reply to Re: more2 » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 22:40:23
>>But I will finish the pills that young-doc gave me. I promise you.
Oh Good- That's very good, Elaine. I hope this young doc is a good listener. Do you have a follow-up appt. with him? You migh ask his opinion on some other health concerns you have. I don't know what your health concerns are (besides the dental stuff) but it sounds like you have something else going on too. Maybe ask young doc for a second opinion? He sounds like a good listener-- and he asks questions too, which is really important.
> You are right :"( ((((((Li)))))) I like training myself to feel that way. But I like safe hugs - even though that's scary to say. What happens when you admit that you like hugging trustful people and then the hugs don't ever come. I fear I've spent a whole life conditioning myself to accept the wrong things.
Well, it's really important that you recognize the fact that you've been brainwashed (no- you haven't been 'conditioning yourself' Kids don't condition themselves. They react to their environment and try to survive the best they can. You never created this set of reactions "on purpose". They are a side effect of being human, and being raised the way you were.
I've been brainwashed too. Maybe we have learned to accomodate certain things as "expectable" but that doesn't mean that they are "acceptable".
My final session with my old T was really important. I told him that I was starting to realize how thorough the brainwashing was, and how I had been told things and taught things my whole life that lead me to my current state of psychological disarray. I proclaimed "I've been brainwashed" he said "That's exactly right". I said "I've had to be an actress to survive my childhood" He said "Yes, you've had to pretend that things were okay, even though they weren't" And then there was this liberating moment when I realized that I DON'T HAVE TO BE AN ACTRESS ANYMORE!! Okay, well, it felt amazing. To realize that I have a choice in the matter. Baby steps, though. Figuring out what part of my upbringing constitutes acceptable and adaptive ways of dealing with my adult world. Figuring out which "brainwashed actressy bits" can be laid to rest.
It's really tough, Elaine. I'm sorry that your T doesn't allow you the freedom in your session to explore what will happen if you actually speak from your heart (i.e. don't pretend, or be an actress). It's super scary. You're exactly right.
To admit that maybe hugs are nice and that you appreciate them... Well, I'm happy to give them, 'cause I know that hugs make the hugger feel better too. ((((((hugger & huggee))))))
> You take care too. You wear your gloves and I will take the huge pills.
you betcha. I did last night. hands are smooth and soft and pink.
> I don't know how much I'll post now. T is back and he sent a scary (not violent scary) email. I'm scared. He is upset that I've been missing sessions cause of doc and dentist appointments. (I had an unsuccessful, second! round of endo done on rootcanal#2 last week. He may want to pull it :-( I'm gonna beg for one more round.) But he says I'm not proving that I want to be coming to see him. I sent him one back saying sorry and explaining more what's going on in my head, but he hasn't returned it.
>
> I did have something pretty big to say but I keep feeling like sh*t. I was kinda glad he was home before. I wasn't expecting that message :-( I feel guilty so much for speaking. Maybe I should train myself to not need to post stuff on the board like I do to think I like pain - but who will I get help from then.
Well, you post when you're ready. Don't force it. You don't "owe" us anything. Just tell us what you need to, in order to get the support you deserve. If you feel like you need pain, you can post that. I know *I* have. On at least 3 separate occasions I asked babblers to abuse me. yeah, not my proudest moments. I still go back to that way of thinking from time to time. I want to be punished. Why? Why do I need to feel punished? I'm really not sure why. Part of it is because my particular brainwashers asked me never to tell secrets. I had new secrets to keep all the time, and old secrets that festered and became necrotic memories. So, when I tell personal things to babble, "secrets" I feel like I'm in a position to deserve and expect punishment, and I even have a part of me that desires that it be meted out, simply for the sake of consistency, so that I can understand the world.> ps. (((((mufflie))))
yeah, I second that (((((((((muffled)))))))))
and ((((((((((((gentle safe hugs for Elaine))))))))))
love,
Lindenblüte****************DENTAL TRIGGERS BELOW!!!*******
p.s. the endo procedure I had 3 years ago is still going strong. Involved 3 shots of novocaine, making incision in gum, and cleaning out the infection from the root end and placing a filling in the cap of the roots directly. Getting the granulation tissue out (that's the tissue that kind of fills in the absessed space- but it can kind of go haywire and forget to stop growing- highly susceptible to infection, etc etc.) I had this done by an oral surgeon. I paid out of pocket 650 US dollars. It took 45 minutes, was incredibly easy, because there was only a second of drilling. My crowns were left intact- which saves a LOT of money. I have 2 teeth with roots that have twisted curvy branched canals. This is the only procedure which has "stuck". 4 stiches, and I had to come back a week later to get the stiches removed. Some minimal swelling, and of course I was on narcotic pain relievers for several days.Ask about this approach, and whether it would work for you. It may be that the infection is hiding out somewhere past the end of the root, and just hanging out until it runs out of room, and then it decides to go back into your root again.
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:694836
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/695238.html