Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Back and awake now

Posted by ElaineM on October 16, 2006, at 20:09:02

In reply to Re: hurting **trigger » ElaineM, posted by LadyBug on October 16, 2006, at 19:02:21

I got an email from T. It was like only 15 sentences long :( but he said I sounded so upset that he was sorry for adding to it. He said he will never send me away. He told me to take three ativans at once if the doc wouldn't do anything. I'm afraid of it cause I usually only take half, or one. Three it so scary so I took two when I go home and felt a little dopey.

I didn't even mention but I was so desperate for someone familiar that I sent a raving email off to LadyDoc a couple of nights ago. She responded but with three sentences and it felt like my heart was breaking. But I guess I can't ask her to go against her rules - though I wasn't asking for treatment, but maybe any talking counts as though it were therapy. I don't know. I try and spin it by thinking that she didn't *have* to respond at all. :( But it still hurt.


I wasn't allowed to be seen at the docs today because of how I've recently seen others. I thought I was only testing, but apparently you can't qualify for their services if you've been treated by others. I came home, wrote T what happened, and cried for a long time. Took the ativan and slept for a little. It's so hard to drink. The sick part of my head thinks, well maybe I'll lose weight. Though when I think of which I'd ultimately always have more, weight becomes insignificant. T is upset cause he doesn't know what to do for me. I can't stand how hard this all is. I'm waiting for an ultrasound appointment that was made for me the first time, though I don't think I'll be able to stand the pressure of the wand. It's at the end of the month too! I don't know what the f*ck people do - how do people not suffer long term damage, or worse - how can stuff take so long.

I'm in so much pain. I hope that I'm brave enough to go to the hospital if I think it's time. Though I can't imagine ever calling an ambulance. I can't express how much I ache for LadyDoc. I feel like my world completely fell apart by having to leave her. It kinda makes me nauceous when I think of her - like I wanna throw up my sadness. I'm sooo sad. Maybe the ativan is good because I'm getting a bit frantic about not being able to get some help.

I'm supposed to have my dentist call and check on me to see if the re-rootcanal magically settled down. But last time he said that I let a month pass cause he never called. I have my fingers crossed. I hope if he wants to see me that I don't look so ill that I seem really disgusting and ugly cause I'll need him to pity me to attempt a third round instead of pulling it. I'll never ever ever leave my house again if it's pulled. Never. I can't afford an implant. I hope I can look helpless -- I definately look pathetic, but that's different. I hope so much that he checks on me, and that I don't just burst into tears before explaining that nothing has improved.

It really really helps me hearing your support. Especially the little visualization scenes - it makes me a bit sad that they could never happen, but mostly it makes me feel appreciative of you all.

The third part of my update, that I was afraid to say before isn't happening now -- it kind of collapsed since I got so ill. I was pretty close though. I'll explain some other time if it ever becomes relevant again.
I love you all so much.
(((((((babble friends))))))))




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:ElaineM thread:694836