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Re: self-centered jerk » caraher

Posted by ElaineM on October 17, 2006, at 12:17:44

In reply to Re: self-centered jerk, posted by caraher on October 16, 2006, at 6:32:24

>>>>I'm sorry, but what a huge a$$hole! Here you are with all this medical $hit, that he knows about, and he's trying to guilt trip you for not seeing him when you're seeing doctors and dentists? What a colossal jerk!

He apoligized. He said that sometimes he just gets so angry that he can't do something himself to fix me that he doesn't realize that his frustration could come out in a way that would hurt me more. But he said sorry for questioning my commitment to him - he even said my ability to get to him as much as I do it this type of pain actually proves I have a very strong commitment.

>>>>>Tell him I said so!

No way. That would be rude - like me mentioning Scott so much, and wanting to email him. Plus I already mentioned youngDoc. I don't ever like saying anything aggressive or ungrateful either. It is always better to go with the flow. I feel too weak to be so bold. Plus I never have been that way ever in my life.

>>>>>Does he want you to get sicker and lose all your teeth? That doesn't sound like a very loving wish!

I know you don't want me defending him, but he always wants to come to my tests with me -- I just always chicken out and not let him. ANd with my teeth, he offers ALL the time to pay for them - well, to loan me money for them. I just have always felt strange with the idea of taking money. Small presents are gestures, but that much cash would be like a contract or something. Plus I don't think I'd ever be able to pay him back. He would definately lose his money. Though if this tooth had to be pulled, I would take any alternative to be able to get an implant. Cause without one I'd never leave my house, and probably kill myself. The BDD stuff is bad enough as it is. Plus I've already had to accomodate a small limp. I'm too ugly already. Anyways, he does seem to want to help that way.

>>>>>>He might not be aware of how bad it is

I guess not. Cause he would never hurt me on purpose. He only loves. He does catch on sometimes, or after I respond about something, and he apoligizes, and I can see how the mistake made sense.

>>>>>>>In case you can't tell, I'm angry with him right now!

I can tell. It's strange. You don't sound like you. But it is a restrained anger, and it is motivated by caring, and I know you're dear, so I'm not scared of it. I'm not. I know this will sound really stubborn and stupid of me, but I can't help but feel sad for T when you're mad at him :( I've found that my head is really messed up - it changes opinion so fast, moment to moment. He says something scary to me, and I'm afriad and want to hide or run to someone else, and I forget all the nice things he's done and how much he loves me. Then when i feel he's being attacked, or he does something nice in the moment, or says something nice, or is sooo sad, I forget ever being afraid, or confused or torn. And when I say forget, I mean nearly totally obliterated. I think I am too much of a camellion. Like I only live in the exact moment, and my brain doesn't hold the past in mind to keep others accountable, or think of the future enough to have faith or foresight. And I'm so afraid of ultimately doing the wrong thing, and distrust all my perceptions so thoroughly, that I've become paralyzed. (way before him)

>>>>>>>do you go to a church or have any religious affiliation? Perhaps something like that could be a source of counseling or at least a sympathetic ear outside the medical establishment (i.e. among people you won't be afraid know your T).

I don't, but it's strange that you say that. I sometimes think that some of you can read my mind.

Caraher, I appreciate your "energy", it makes me feel protected - or as much as you can over the internet. (((((caraher)))))

My sister!!! came over this morning. She took half a day off of work to drive here to give me her percocet. She doesn't need them anymore. THey work better for me I think. Or I don't know, maybe I'm out of it. THey are letting me sit a longtime today to type. I feel bad when I can't write to others (though I know I don't have to feel bad). I still can't do all the things I mentioned yesterday (like the pants and stuff) and it still hurts like h*ll but it's taken away the acid-like bite to the stabs. AND I have been able to drink more today. I'm a bit afraid about introducing a new pill, but I really don't have a choice at all. It is hard enough to take one pill, but REALLY hard for me to take two or more at a time. But I need to try so I can tolerate being awake.

blove EL.




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poster:ElaineM thread:694836