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Scary sessions Help *****Trigs big death, small SI

Posted by ElaineM on October 20, 2006, at 15:17:46

In reply to Re: more dental stuff, ? **trig mild** » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 17:37:50

Wednesday's session was toughest. I made myself get to T and he asked about my pain, re-apoligized for making me feel bad about being ill, and then we talked about his last meeting with his T for an hour and ten minutes. I wanted to be helpful, but my heart wasn't in it. I already felt so awkward sitting tilted on my couch, my hand over my side, slumped down so my neck could lean on the top of the back cushion. I kept giving LadyT-like responses and questions, but it got to a point (early on) where I was only throwing back short sentences, or even just a noise. :( I feel bad saying it, but he would just keep picking up and going on. There was this desperate feeling inside me that just kept growing the more time ticked away - probably just plain old panic I guess. I've felt alot of strong feelings during sessions, but never so dejected and hopeless.

I asked him about a bunch of things I *wanted* him to have talked to his T about, and he didn't mention the big ones. He said I looked disappointed, and I said that I WAS. I had been excited that he was starting to see his old T again. I told him that I could help him make a list before his next time so he won't think that he has nothing to talk about. I know I'm not supposed to be in a T role. I know it. But it's not like I was gonna say something - that's just something I'd never do with anyone. And he's in crisis and my friend - wrong or not. But this was the longest we've ever talked about him a session. I feel like a two-faced jerk cause he sent an email thanking me so much for being such a good friend and good listener. He said I was like a T. (it's obvious that he really can't see it's not normal)

I asked him if his T ever met with other T's as well, and he said yes, that's how he chose him way back when he was his T years ago. Do you think that means that he was finding it difficult with a client before too?

I know I need someone to help me. It sounds so baby-ish but I can't describe the terror I feel when I'm having to pretend to be knowing and strong. Especially when I'm in SO much physical pain. :"( I know I need someone, I'm just soooo scared. I feel like I CAN'T end it. And will never be able to speak openly about this or any of my history, because it will ALWAYS create a path back to him. (more about this part happened this past week too) And I'm just not gonna blow up his life. :"( But I NEED HELP. now so much. When I not only *want* death - but when my body actually *feels* like it.

And bad health makes me get flashbacks of graphic, vulgar details of a certain family members death that I saw. Well I don't really know what a flashback consists of but I keep seeing freeze frames of what we walked in on, and sometimes I get so worked up that I start to think the same thing is happening to me (even though I know my illness is different, cannot be the same thing at all)....but still. I can work myself up to the point where I'm convinced that killing myself is the only escape, cause I'm gonna die the exact same death at any moment. But worse is the sound that I hear! I don't have many memories of anything ever, but I've held onto this sound, and I sometimes think it's worse than the images. I told T about this too, but he thinks it's the same as remembering the person - though I stressed I'm only remembering the event and sensory stuff - when they didn't even look like a person anymore ...ahahhhhh!....i'm sorry, i'm sorry....this is disgusting. But when my illness first came last winter, that's when I went and got all my legal documents in order...when I was lured in by LadyT for a suicide assessment...when i wrote a goodbye letter to my family....when I had a way planned and a backup. I really really worry that I won't get through another winter. So much about it is triggering. ......oh SHUT UP! I'm so f*cking sick of my moaning. I never intend to moan so much, but it just oozes out all over here. It's sick! I'm sorry :"( Whatever.

I SI'd two mornings ago, and I started a bit this morning but I stopped myself. It hurts differently than my abdomen. Helplinelady had said a few days ago to slam a door instead because it's healthier than cutting :( ....But what else can anybody say. I did it anyways. There's no end. [only proud thing is I finished all my AntiBs last night - for me, for Li, for LadyDoc] I can't get through all of it. :( ..... I can't finish this - sorry. Not that it's not long enough already - Big Mouth! How did all of this happen?????????? :"(




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