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more2 * abuse trig

Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 12:48:50

In reply to Re: anyone, posted by caraher on October 15, 2006, at 12:20:49

I've never seen a male act like this and in a weird way, it's almost scarier to me than a violent man -- though that's probably just cause I equate physical abuse with love. In the intellectual part of my brain (the part that can earn me a degree) / reading in books / in movies / in another's account, I can understand that it's not, but a piece of my head and my heart laughs, because behind "knowing" that, I still think it's wrong -- that for me it really does mean caring-love and a form of affection. Actually, love speaking-hitter is more frightening to me than raging-hitter because that's, I can't say it, and I can't stand hearing it, and I can't can't can't tolerate thinking thoughts of it for half a second. But they come all the time now, they never stop! I have always been better at turning it off but there are reminders all the time now that make silencing my head impossible. I know it's not the same. He. even though.... I know it....but still. Someone has to tell me how to TURN IT OFF. It is contaminating him and his goodness. It is too confusing because I interpret everything bad as bad, but everything "good" as bad too. Or maybe there's just never any real good. I don't know! But it makes it impossible for the world to seem anything BUT a terrifying pile of sh*t.

.......okay I know it sounds like gibberish but I'm really terribly frightened by posting this. I want to erase it like I erase everything else in my head. But it doesn't. And this has been in my head so much the past two weeks.....ahhhh!.....F*ck my stupid head..... :""( I can read it sometimes in other's posts but can't tolerate it connected to me - too, too close :( [even hearing the three letter acronym or the "i" word makes me lose it. (((different words))) ]
I'm going insane!! :'(




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