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Re: Opening up » littleone

Posted by alexandra_k on October 4, 2006, at 16:05:31

In reply to Re: Opening up » alexandra_k, posted by littleone on October 3, 2006, at 22:28:27

> > I... Used to feel protective towards my Father. Because my Mother was very emotionally intense. I could see him cringing from her and she would be f*cking ropable and I'd want to protect him. But I never did. But then fairs fair he never protected me neither lol. I'm scared of me because...

...I internalised her. I lived with her for 14 years and the last 7 of those years he wasn't around so she interacted with me. And so... I've internalised her way of talking. A voice in my head... Not me, can't be me. In my head, must be me. Sometimes I get caught up in it... Othertimes I'm horrified and mortified and ashamed of the voice / thoughts. It was her and now its a part of me. And if I'm not careful around people I might try and elicit it from others. So they can be bad instead of me.

Sigh.

I got to reading this book yesterday about attachment and projective identification and the like. It was a bit painful, but it is making more sense to me now. Have been having some internal conflict... I think I'm feeling a bit calmer now. A bit fragile. Internal conflict. Haven't felt it like this for a long time. Things moving inside... In an interesting though scary way. I don't know. I want to be a better person. I want to be a safe person. Safe to be around others. Locked myself away for a while because I didn't want to hurt people. Hurt me instead. I want to get better. I've been socialising more IRL. Social anxiety is hard. Especially around food. Every time... Every time it is important I make social blunders. Only... I'm not sure that they are blunders really. It is more about blundering on. Smiling and enjoying yourself. Not feeling mortified. It is okay. People don't give a sh*t so long as I'm having a good time. It is okay. Nobody even noticed. And if they did they don't care. They will have forgotten all about it by the end of the night. I don't have to replay it over and over and over or hurt myself later. It is okay. People are okay really. People can be great. I wish I was a better person to them.

> A good goal might be to learn to trust your T to be a healthy and well adjusted adult who has sufficient internal resources to handle experiences you might bring to your therapy. It could be very healing for you to experience your T coping with these "intense" experiences.

Yes. Little slow steps. Take a little risk and see how it goes. If it goes okay then take another little risk and see how that goes. That way one builds trust over time and as one builds trust the risks can get bigger.

The trouble is that I do take these little risks and... They don't seem to go okay. Why not? She is a nice lady trying to help. I really believe that. She IS a nice lady trying to help. But I do not feel... Like the little risks are paying off. Thats why... I feel disconnected.

> I guess I just get worried when I see you trying to leave her. Get worried that you're doing a runner like I always want to. Leaving because you're afraid to do the real work with her.

Maybe. But then I have worked okay with some people... And yeah sometimes I want to run from them too. But I want to be close to them sometimes too. With this lady... I don't know. Maybe I am running away. I don't know. She is going away in November for a month and she said she will try and see whether her supervisor can see me during that period. I will see if we get on any better. I do want to work. I'm just not sure that things are working out with her.

You are great you know. I saw your response further up the board... The thread about forgiveness and stuff. I wanted to reply just so you would know that I read your post but... You kind of said it all. I thought it was a great post. Nothing left to be said. I know that sounds strange... But sometimes posts are like that.

Thanks for talking with me. It means a lot.

How is your therapy going?

 

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