Posted by littleone on October 3, 2006, at 22:28:27
In reply to Re: Opening up » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2006, at 5:21:22
> I... Used to feel protective towards my Father. Because my Mother was very emotionally intense. I could see him cringing from her and she would be f*cking ropable and I'd want to protect him. But I never did. But then fairs fair he never protected me neither lol. I'm scared of me because... I'm just like her. And so I'm f*cking terrified of me. And I think that some of whats inside... I don't think anybody can handle that.
I think it can be hard to see the differences between our beliefs and reality. For example (and I'm not saying this is the case, just something to think about) it may be possible that you grew up to believe that that type of interaction is totally intolerable and can't be handled at all.
But remember that it was the young you who first experienced that and started to believe it. Then that belief carried through to the present day you through countless instances where it was re-proven.
And it would be perfectly understandable that the young you found that intolerable. The young you probably wouldn't have had the resources to cope with it.
But a healthy and well adjusted adult probably *would* have the internal resources to handle that experience.
A good goal might be to learn to trust your T to be a healthy and well adjusted adult who has sufficient internal resources to handle experiences you might bring to your therapy. It could be very healing for you to experience your T coping with these "intense" experiences.
> But I have to get stronger before I start to access it. I need to be strong enough to deal with what comes up.
I know. It is very very hard. And will take a long time and a lot of hard work. I guess I just get worried when I see you trying to leave her. Get worried that you're doing a runner like I always want to. Leaving because you're afraid to do the real work with her.
> I watched me lunge at the nurse and start hitting and yelling. Snapped back after getting jumped on by peoples. Curled up. Was mortified. Mortified. That happened a couple of times. I don't ever want that to happen again. It can't happen again. I'm serious. My emotions aren't safe.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that even if you don't let the emotions out during therapy, at the very least you need to talk about why you think that is unsafe. Tell her what's happened in the past, tell her what your fears are, tell her what your fears about telling her are. It was babble that taught me that if you can't talk about something, talk about talking about it.
> But it wasn't ok. I got terminated
> :-(:(
I'm sorry alex. I know I'm pushing you here and I think that's probably my own stuff leaking out. I'm sorry if it feels like a hard shove. It's not meant to be. I'd just like good things for you.
I guess I have a hard time reading people here. Like I'll see you and someone debating a point and I'll cringe and hide because it feels like an argument. But then they'll say something that makes it apparent it doesn't feel like an argument to them at all.
And then here I try to point something out to you and I think it will be fine, but instead I hurt you. I'm sorry I'm no good at this people stuff.
I feel a real strong urge to delete the top half of this post. But I won't because I think there is an important message in there. But I will say that if you don't like what I wrote, please feel free to ignore it. Like I said, I think there is my stuff leaking out there.
poster:littleone
thread:689710
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691662.html