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Re: can professionals keep this a secret? » Tamar

Posted by ElaineM on June 16, 2006, at 19:50:47

In reply to Re: can professionals keep this a secret? » ElaineM, posted by Tamar on June 16, 2006, at 18:48:27

Tamar: Sorry, I responded to the "knowing my history" stuff in a post above. The main reason I feel slutty is because he is much, much older than me. And his children are my age. I think the gap is what makes me feel a bit weird. But he says I'm old on the inside. And I think that was nice to say. I thought it was a compliment. Was it not?

And I say slutty because I see myself as a tease. I both hate and like stuff that goes on in sessions. If I was normal, it wouldn't be both at once. And I feel trashy cause I do let him touch me when I don't really want it. (Sometimes I flinch when he gets up from his chair, and I feel so embarassed and guilty for it, and I hope he didn't notice it) Even stupid things are making me too nervous, like when a hug lasts too long. Once I flinched when he went to only touch my face. But this is all part of the closeness I was wanting so much in the beginning. I don't understand why I'm getting cold feet now. I wonder if things feel strange cause I haven't had someone touch me nicely in a long time, so I can't even recognize regular male/female contact.

I'm too humiliated and afraid to say everything that's been said, or done between us, but I honestly haven't had sex with him, or kissed him yet. I haven't. I always think I'm a slut anyways. If I smile at someone who holds the elevator door for me then I think I was slutty.

It's hard for me to post here. I've been testing out this board, and this topic before, and it has taken me a long time to lose enough of my fear about my T reading this, to post everything I have. I'm still paranoid that he'll read this.

I do want to say that I'm not discounting everything you guys say. I do hear it all. It is just hard stuff to hear. Harder still to fully believe. And hardest to act on. I'm sorry though if I frustrate everyone.

El


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poster:ElaineM thread:657557
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