Posted by ElaineM on June 16, 2006, at 16:59:11
In reply to Re: can professionals keep this a secret?, posted by happyflower on June 16, 2006, at 13:54:49
Happyflower, I have read some of your posts before and I can understand how you might want something to happen with your T. (And Tamar) I totally get it. I know you can see this from both perspectives. I've been seeing my T for close to two years. Before, when things were still normal, I used to wish that something would happen. I always want somebody to do anything, so I can know that I'm alive and can pretend I'm not repulsive. Then things started to change. Still, on the days that nothing happens, and he doesn't ask to hold me or touch me, or say romantic things, I feel really really bad. And all I think about is what I did differently and how I can act better for next session. I wonder if I wore something that made me look uglier. I worry that the day had come when he finally realized what a horrible patient I am, and can't take me anymore. Then when he offers me invitations or presents I feel 10% good and thankful, but 90% slutty.
I even feel guilty asking for help because part of me does still enjoy it, because he is important and special and a better person than me. Whenever I'm getting upset about what could come next, I just say to myself that I should be honored that he could pick me. He could do so much better than me. I'm just afraid that if anything more happened I wouldn't be able to look at him anymore. I don't mind the rest, I'm just afraid of sleeping with him. (Though maybe that won't come up) If I knew that he'd be okay if I didn't I could handle the rest. I'm sure he only wants to encourage me and be kind. It doesn't make sense to me any other way.
I do take what everyone has said very seriously. I trust what you all say, especially cause some of you have gone through similar things /feelings. I can't help being afraid and confused. I don't know why things changed after being together so long.
I'll let you all know if I follow through, and you can tell me if I was stupid or not. Thanks for answering.
El
poster:ElaineM
thread:657557
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/657712.html