Posted by kerria on September 19, 2005, at 8:31:29
In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( » kerria, posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2005, at 16:24:07
Thank you for your ideas, for caring to write, Alexandra.
This is so difficult- coming back to a discussion where different parts have written their understanding about T and how everything is. There is so much unsaid, not a complete understanding of my situation at all displayed. The things i wrote are not complete truths at all. They give a distorted impression of what it's really like. i can't help it because i don't have communication with my parts. It's confusing to me exactly what's wrong and why i'm so upset with T whenever i see him.Maybe if i stick to facts it will be more clear.
i can't go back to T2.
i found T2 about 2 years ago through the ISSD and started seeing him and it was going well. i talked in the session a lot about T1 and how upsetting therapy was with him and the good things about T1 too- that my child parts thought of T as their favorite teacher, that it was hard not to ever see T1 again. They cried because they missed him and T2 also wouldn't talk to them so that made them doubly unhappy. If only T2 had tried to form a relationship with them it would have helped so much not to have to go back once to see T1. i was only going back once- and i had told T2 that i was doing it. That's why i was so upset when all of a sudden T2 terminated me without warning. He never said that "you can never go to T1 again or that's it."One really hot summer day two years ago i came home after working so hard in sun all day, my paycheck was covering therapy - that was before the insurance helped as much. There was a letter from T2 on the table. He wrote how he would not be responsible for me in any way any longer and would never see me or have anything to do with me. It said that there were copies mailed to T1 and to my psyDr.
i totally fell apart reading it. i even sent it back to him, explaining how it hurt me - asking him how he would feel if it were him that received a letter like that if he were seeing a new T and thought things were going well.i think that T2 didn't want to have me for a client and jumped on the opportunity. i could be mistaken but it was never discussed that seeing T1 one isolated time would terminate therapy. Most Ts would understand, i would think, that the T relationship is hard to abruptly stop. He didn't or else he didn't care how upsetting it would be for me. i had even waited for an opening to see him for about two- three months before i started and he treated me so badly.
He wouldn't take me back. That's what he said in the letter.i dislike some of the beliefs of the ISSD. Many in that organization don't believe that every person with DID can be helped. He probably thought that i was untreatable so he terminated me:( That was a very discouraging day.
Please, don't feel that you need to help fix things - i need support just to go on. The ideas are good- i need a capacity- i want to always take responsibility for what i do- but then what? It's not so much taking responsibility- i know that if anything keeps me from therapy or going anywhere is my fault but then what? It doesn't change anything at all that i know i'm to blame if i can't get better.
Take care
poster:kerria
thread:555919
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/556771.html