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Posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2005, at 18:57:54

In reply to Re: CLEAR UP CONFUSION alexandra_k, posted by kerria on September 20, 2005, at 9:35:23

> When you say it has to be 'my' call, which part do you mean?

The one who is having a conversation with me.

> i don't have the say in what the body ends up doing.

You have a say in two respects:
When you are in control you surely have a say. You are choosing to have a conversation with me, for example.
The more you work to improving communication the more you become aware of. And the more you become aware of the more control you have over the things you have become aware of.
But choosing to work on improving communication is the first step there, and that is something that IS in your control.

Otherwise... Things would be fairly hopeless...

> Reality- T1 is the only T that i have. T2 will never see me again- that's a fact- even if there was some way that i could get agreement. That was made clear in the letter.

People are known to change their minds occasionally... I was trying to figure the reasons why he sent you such a sh*tty letter. And best I can figure...
He was pissed about you continuing to work with T1 when he was trying to work with you.
He was having trouble with getting you to progress (most probably because of the first point)

> Please try not to be critical or assert one way over another in something like going to T1, that we're so divided about. It makes me hate my parts when i agree with you.

I'm sorry if I have come across as critical. Really. I don't mean to be critical. I'm just concerned about the hopelessness / helplessness that you express fairly frequently. I want you to get better. I want your life to improve. And I reckon it can. It can improve a whole heap. We want things to be EVEN BETTER than they were before that teacher told you you had DID.

But 5 years...
Sh*t that is one hell of a long time to see someone and to persist in seeing someone when you say that things have gotten worse for you over time and not better.

I don't want you to hate yourself / your parts.
I don't want you to hate T1.

But I don't see that T1 is doing much toward helping you get better. And thats based on stuff you have written about things he has said, but even more importantly thats based on stuff you have written about the things he is doing and has done.

(and it doesn't matter particularly whether 'you' or 'they' wrote those posts because they are all just different aspects / things that your body has noticed)

I appreciate that it is hard...

It sounds like he nurtures your child parts.

But it sounds like thats about all he is doing.
And thats not really helping you in the long run.

You need to nurture your parts.
They need to talk to you - not him.
But if he is there for them to talk to then it is so much easier for you and them to continue to avoid each other.

Because the way it seems to be (based on my experience)
Is that mostly communication isn't an option.
I can't find them.
But sometimes I get something...
A picture...
And then I have a choice...
I can communicate back
Or I can push those words / pictures away
And communication is once again no longer an option.

And so one way to look at it...
Is that there are little choice points
Where it is possible.
Where communication is something that is within your control.

I know that communication is something that really frightens you.

It frightens me too at times.

But my little parts help me there.

Because of the things they like DOING

It really isn't so bad to go swinging.
Yeah it feels a little odd
But they feel so HAPPY and I feel some of that too.
And so that is just one example of a safe way to work on communication.
(Maybe not communication exactly but its a way of my feeling less afraid of them and more sympathetic towards them. I am thus in a better place to choose to listen to what they have to say when they do try and contact me).

I'm sorry if what I have said has hurt you.

I've been trying to help find you some hope...

I know you say a lot about your t being an expert...
But I have to say that these days... A Masters degree is not worth one hell of a lot.
Hell, I'm going to have one of those in a couple months!
20 years experience is a long time...
But none of that is worth anything if he isn't helping you to get better.

And... Are you getting better?

If he is an expert... I also would have thought that he would have had something to say to the doctors / specialists around your pain and your nerve block too. Because... And I know we have talked about this before... Psychosomatic pain is indistinguishable from physically caused pain from the point of view of the person experiencing it. So from the perspective of you (and all your parts) you really can't tell the difference... But psychosomatic symptoms are part of the diagnostic criteria for DID and so that really is important with respect to the Doctors and specialists figuring out whether invasive physical procedures are likely to help you or whether they are likely to have no affect on the pain whatsoever and just cost one hell of a lot of money and put you (and your parts) through yet another traumatic experience.

But he didn't have anything to do with all that, did he?

Alarm bells...

It is stuff like that for me.
The things he DOES and the things he fails to do.

I know its frightening.
I guess you have become pretty attached to him over the past 5 years.
But look at where you are now...
The hopelessness and helplessness you feel quite a lot of the time.
Is he worth it????

Because IMO
hell no




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

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