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Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2005, at 16:24:07

In reply to T says he's sorry. That's all :(, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 0:55:51

Okay. I'm going to be frank because I don't think b*llshit will help at this point either.

Take what you can / will.

The way you describe your therapist... It sounds as though he is ENCOURAGING you to remain split. It sounds like he is ENCOURAGING your different parts to communicate with him which is doing nothing whatsoever towards helping you develop internal communication.

And to me... That is precisely how to make someone worse, not how to encourage them to get better.

But with respect to what others have said about taking responsibility for the actions of your body... I have to say that I agree. It doesn't sound like you do that. But then, to be fair, from what you have said it doesn't sound like your therapist is doing much to encourage you to do that either. So it is a hard one.

> Lately i can't even manage to get to appts,

Okay, so that is a problem. It is a problem for you. It is hard for therapy to work if you don't even go. And I'm sure it is a horrible inconvenience to your therapist who has kept that time slot open for you.

> "Just identify with me."
> "I am with you in the pain"
> No, it's not good enough to just be here with me, Identify with me. How YOU would feel if you were me and had all these things happen.

He can't do that.
And if he did do that... Then he most probably wouldn't be able to help you because then he'd be overwhelmed by the pain - just like you are. Other people don't have to catch our feeling in order to be able to help us. They just need to be sympathetic. Empathetic, sure, but for your therapist to catch your pain... What good would that do? It won't take your pain away. Your therapist can't do that. No human being can.

> Tears. T says he's sorry and he won't, he can't identify with me. He "feels" for me, his "heart goes out to me in my pain" but he can't/won't identify WITH me.

Sounds to me like he does empathise. Pain isn't something that you can just give away to somebody else.

> How do you go to a T that can't imagine what it's like to be you?

Sounds like he can imagine what it is like to the degree that is possible. What he can't do is live through them for you so you don't have to deal with them anymore.

> and always blames me or my parts for sabotaging my coming to therapy

Who is responsible for your not turning up to therapy if your body is not?

> my littles like him because he's the only one who talks to them.

You need to talk to them.
If you talk them then they won't need your t to talk to them.

> i was able to find a new T (a good T, someone speaking at the ISSD conference) once and then my parts needed to see T1 again and T2 was upset and terminated.

Okay. So you started seeing a new t who you thought was quite good but then... Went back to see your old therapist so you were terminated by your new therapist. The reason for that... Is that if T2 is trying to get you to work on communicating with your parts yourself then your parts talking to your first therapist is only undoing all the work that the second therapist is trying to do with you.

Can you go back to the second therapist and say that the most important thing to do first is to promise not to see anyone else and work towards getting a contract with all your parts to keep that promise?

It is a hard one...
It sounds like your therapist says some fairly hurtful things at times. And that he isn't as sympathetic as he could be. And that he might not have the best strategies worked out with respect to helping you feel better.

For me... alarm bells ring when you talk about him.

I have said before that I think you would be better off working with someone else.

But I think that other people would be a whole heap less willing to let you avoid internal communication by meeting communication needs themself. And I think that other people will terminate you if you keep going back to your current therapist.

If I was you...
I'd try to contact the therapist who terminated you.
Because terminating you at that point sounds like the right thing to do...
They can't help you if you can't contract to see just them.
But they can help you make that contract with yourself.
And in that way... They are starting to teach you how to be responsible for your actions.
And that is what will ultimately help you get better.
Make sense?




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