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Posted by kerria on September 19, 2005, at 22:56:06

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by alexandra_k on September 19, 2005, at 20:31:19

Thank you for trying to help- for caring and writing, and for trying to be supportive- i can't thank you enough. So many times it keeps me.

There are a lot of things that are supposed that aren't true at all.

Communication with my parts- My T has always been strong on that point. The difficulty is within me- it's in my system. It's taking me longer to start communication with parts. That has been the #1 contention that i have with T. He always stresses communication. The program at his hospital hinges upon internal communication . It has been too hard for me to do. It's like taking a test in Chinese (and i don't speak that language). It's a terrible struggle to try to communicate. I know that communication is the only way that i'll get better- less losing time, less forgetting and symptoms. My personality needs it to be separate i think- it feels that way anyways. It's not T's fault at all. That's been his constant soapbox message.

My T is also very experienced. T2 and every T who is at the top of the research know my T and would say that he's considered by experts to be an expert and has probably seen more patients for DID treatment than mostly anyone. People come from all over the world for treatment there.
Although it's so difficult to have therapy i think that it would be like that with everyone because it's too difficult to communicate. We're not ready and it feels like everything will fall apart. T is the one who keep trying to encourage communication the past five years.

When i saw T2, it was only for a month- four or five times. We were still attached to T1 as our T.
That is his point- that he has always been with me, throughout all this time when i kept trying other Ts. T2 wasn't the only one. T1 has stayed availab;le to me and didn't write any letters like T2.
About being considered untreatable (T2):
On the ISSD webpage there were Ts at the top of that organization - one was a past president- who have written about their presentations in the conferences or whatevr they have- and i read there that she didn't believe that everyone with DID was treatable. i was so upset when i read it that i emailed to say "Hey that's a discouraging statement for you to have on your(ISSD) site" and the president then wrote back, saying something like 'we do our best work when we realize/take account of, our limitations'.
So those at the top of the ISSD accept that idea- it upsets and discourages me.
i'm sure that T2 would never see me again- if you read the letter you would be sure also. He said that i was T1's patient in the letter also. All along T1 has been my T.

See how much is misunderstood- i'm a bad communicator because unlike most people, i don't have access to all of what i've gone through about the issues with T1 when i post. It's a confusing mess to read it for me because i don't remember writing it - they're not my words. i've learned to cope with the weirdness but still can't journal. i can't understand some of what i wrote at all. i have to read it again and again - sometimes aloud- before i can make any sense of it sometimes. That's the difference. There are separations between parts and it's always a mess to write in a forum. Everyone ends up misunderstanding and i end up misunderstanding because people respond to my parts and it gets to be a very bad mess. The same thing happened in another forum. People wrote to repond to my parts who wrote while they were triggered by a situation and people misunderstood, even thinking that i was in a domestic violence situation and i wasn't. The moderator suspended me then for being in crisis.
and i wasn't in any crisis at all.

That's another reason why it's so much better to keep separate. Even reading my parts writing here is upsetting because it makes my feel all split up. It's a confusing mess.

i hate how i am, i'm trying to work on communication but it's so difficult. It's not T's fault though. He doesn't like it that i can't communicate- that's the thing he always pushes and my parts push back- or think he doesn't care about them. Even though i know, i can't do anything about it. i can't take control and make them not write.

i'm sorry,




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:kerria thread:555919