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T says he's sorry. That's all :(

Posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 0:55:51

hi Everyone,

It's been five years with T , my first T since dx of DID and PTSD. There's always been so much pain.
Lately i can't even manage to get to appts, there's so much trouble. today i struggled to go and arrived. we talked about the things always, "Does some of this remind you of a past situation, where you felt abandoned by everyone and hurt?" These type of questions are constantly shot at me, looking to find any part that will answer.
i feel so attacked.
and so hopeless about ever being able to get better and be happy with any relationship at all.
i feel so alone.
"Things need to be more supportive"
"What would you need me to be?"
"Just identify with me."
"I am with you in the pain"
No, it's not good enough to just be here with me, Identify with me. How YOU would feel if you were me and had all these things happen.
"I'm sorry."

Tears. T says he's sorry and he won't, he can't identify with me. He "feels" for me, his "heart goes out to me in my pain" but he can't/won't identify WITH me.

i'm totally devastated because everything in my life is falling apart and i really need one person to identify and help and he won't. i explained and he still won't.
How do you go to a T that can't imagine what it's like to be you?
i hate the way he is never with me, and always blames me or my parts for sabotaging my coming to therapy - we hate to go there because it's a place of despair. and all T says is "Im sorry that you feel despair when you come here."

i need T to care about me So badly and all he says is "this is what you get"/I will not change/I will not identify with a sick PTSD DID divided person like you.'

why is everything always so wrong? why is everything in my life so difficult? i've tried so hard at going to therapy and trying to trust T for so long. THE WHOLE TIME i knew i had a disorder i went to only him.
The last thing he said before 'turning down feelings so i could leave was "You went to lots of other Ts before me."
i didn't. He doesn't even remember- he doesn't even know after all this time?
"I stayed with you." i'm so so so hurt, so abandoned by him. Even though he sees me he is never 'with me' , he won't identify with me, he doesn't care.





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poster:kerria thread:555919